How do I feel?

With all that has been said and done…

With all that has come and gone…

 

Doubtful and unsure, teary-eyed, yet reluctant…

You say you don’t know how I feel…

 

Tongue-tied and at a loss for words, I may be at times…

But you know how I feel…

 

My thoughts consumed by you…

And you know how I feel…

 

I long for you like no other…

And you know how I feel…

 

My love for you grows stronger still…

And you know how I feel…

 

With you complete, ever so content…

And you know how I feel…

 

Without you, I’m lost…

And you know how I feel…

 

Safe and complete, when you are near…

And you know how I feel…

 

Every minute apart, an eternity…

And you know how I feel…

 

Every kiss, every touch, a treasure…

And you know how I feel…

 

I found heaven in your embrace…

And you know how I feel…

 

Filled with life or buried under, I am forever yours…

And you know how I feel...

 

You are my destination, you are my HOME…

And you know how I feel…

 

You, my opiate; and I, an eternal addict…

You know how I feel…

 

Flows in my veins, this love for you…

Grows stronger with every beat of my heart…

You have given me life anew, and I am “ALIVE”…

And that is how I feel…!!!

 

Happiness is something you CHOOSE IN ADVANCE!!!

From time to time... and like the rest of you out there... I receive one of those inspirational or religious emails that you are supposed to read and pass on to everybody you know to avoid an eternity of misfortune and bad luck!  

Do you know the ones I'm talking about?

I usually don't even bother reading them; or if I do, I will only read a few lines, and into the trash bin goes the email and its inspirational content...

Today...

I was catching up with tons of email that had been piled up in my inbox after an almost 3-week long vacation, when  I came across one such "inspirational" email... and for some reason, I ended up reading it through the end....

And yes...

I even passed it on to a few friends....

Fiction or real...

this email contained a short little story...

that carried and conveyed more wisdom and truth in it than any book I have ever read!!!

Here is how the story goes:

A man of 92 years, short, very well-presented, who takes great care in his appearance, is moving into an old people’s home today...

His wife of 70 has recently died, and he is obliged to leave his home...

After waiting several hours in the retirement home lobby, he gently smiles as he is told that his room is ready...

As he slowly walks to the elevator, using his cane, I describe his small room to him, including the sheet hung at the window which serves as a curtain...

"I like it very much", he says, with the enthusiasm of an 8 year old boy who has just been given a new puppy...!

"Sir, you haven’t even seen the room yet, hang on a moment, we are almost there. "...

" That has nothing to do with it ", he replies...

" Happiness is something I choose in advance!!!

"Whether or not I like the room does not depend on the furniture, or the decor – rather it depends on how I decide to see it. " !!!

" It is already decided in my mind that I like my room.  It is a decision I take every morning when I wake up. "...

"I can choose...  

I can spend my day in bed enumerating all the difficulties that I have with the parts of my body that no longer work very well, or I can get up and give thanks to heaven for those parts that are still in working order. "

" Every day is a gift, and as long as I can open my eyes, I will focus on the new day, and all the happy memories that I have built up during my life. "...

" Old age is like a bank account.  You withdraw in later life what you have deposited along the way. "...

I have read these few lines at least twenty times today...

"Happiness is something I choose in advance"!!!

What amazingly powerful words...

Say it out-laud a few times...

Each time, lauder than the last...

Do you feel the sheer power of what it suggests?

Doesn't it make the little hairs on the back of your neck to stand up?

Now...

I'm neither a sentimental fool, nor do I believe in turning the other cheek if someone slaps me!!!  I don't believe in "live and let live"... and I don't believe in accepting any injustice under the guise of having a positive attitude or just being "nice"...

I am however, a big believer in the notion that "the lives we lead are a direct result of the choices we make"...

The events and the details of what we experience in our day-to-day lives are only significant if we let them be significant!!!

What we see...

What we experience...

Are more products of our "perception" and our "state of mind" than the real tangible physical characteristics that they possess...

Take a look at the picture I have chosen for this piece...

If a seed containing vibrant "life" can penetrate a cold, harsh and lifeless brick-and-mortar wall that has been standing for hundreds of years; we too should be able to take what seems to be the most impossible of circumstances, and breath hope, life, and vitality into it...  

   

Life is an "illusion"...

And we can either choose to be the magician/illusionist who creates the illusion...

Or the spectator who stands powerlessly in awe and in disbelief of what she/he sees and experiences...!!! 

GENESIS

Friends,

From time to time, I share samples of my paintings with you.  But I have never shown you how an idea comes to life, or what stages a painting (in this case, mine) goes through before it is completed.

This piece is called GENESIS; and I finished it 20 minutes ago.  The idea came to me in form of an image-as it always does-and I could clearly see the end result in my minds eye as I set to create it.

Forgive the poor quality images.  I took them using my iPhone as I was working on this piece (hand were simply too dirty to whip out the good camera).

Stage 1:  For the smaller circular objects, I used metal washers (found in any hardware store) of varying sizes.  

The larger circles are cut out from a very flexible plastic foam.

The intention was obviously to create a progression of circular objects that grow larger a the eye ascents to the top of the painting. I wanted to make it look like the circles are "bubbling" upward as they are generated and grow to maturity!

So, in stage 1, the basic material is laid out (canvas, washers, cut out circles).  One the layout looked good, I glued all the pieces to the canvas.

The bottom pieces, which are the metal washers were applied after I applied a thick layer of Acrylic medium to the canvas, shaped it to the desire texture and thickness; and then, simply through the washers onto it (one by one).

Stage 2:  Most of you know that one of the "signature" attributes of my paintings is the application and use of extreme texture.  To do so, I used construction drywall patch putty and applied it to the rest of the canvas.  I then use various instruments to apply the material, shape it, and create the designs that I want.

Stage 3:  Once the canvas dries (I'm often too impatient, so I blow dry it to make it dry faster). I apply the full coating of the base color.  I chose black because it helps bring out the texture later when the final coat colors are applied.

Stage 4:  Once the base coat is dry.  I apply the main color which in this case was red.  By this point, the combination of the textured surface, the black undercoat and the vivid red do their magic and bring out all the hidden shapes and forms.

I then paint all the circles in metallic silver.  This step obviously take the most time because most attention to detail goes into this action.

Once the red and silver are dried.  The top coats of fiery orange and algae green are applied with a very stiff brush with uneven bristles.  

This step is the most crucial and scary part of the project!  If the brush strokes are too rough, or if too much or too little paint is applied, or if the brush is too wet or too dry, the painting is ruined and there is no going back!  To the garbage can goes hours of work!

Stage 5:  Once the painting is completely dry (I usually wait a week), a thick layer of glossy coat is applied to the painting to give it a nice glossy shine, protect the colors, and to give it depth (obviously, I have not completed this stage yet; and will have to wait until next weekend).

I hope you enjoy "GENESIS". 

Time… an absolute, or an illusion?...

PRELUDE:

A couple of days ago, I received an email from a dear friend who lives in Iran…
We exchange emails from time to time...

To keep in touch and to share experiences, thoughts and ideas…

In her email, she spoke of a recent visit to the city in which we all went to grade school…
From the way she described it, I gathered that she hadn’t been there for quite a while…

Describing her observations and feelings, she eloquently wrote the following in the simplest and cleanest way anyone could:

“… Here in Mashhad, it seems that time has stopped. It felt as though life here is in slow motion! Everything is nearly the same as I left it… Exactly the same as they were when we were children; the only thing that has changed is me…”

As I read this part of her email, vivid thoughts and images rushed through my mind which I will share with you today…

M.G. – Thank you for inspiring me.

She nervously looks at herself in the tall mirror…
Checking every detail of her hair and makeup…
She twists her waist and neck in opposite directions-with her left leg solidly and firmly holding its position while her right leg twists with her the same way a golfer’s leg twists at the end of each swing-for she is trying to see how her back looks in this backless dress…

She is in her mid fifties…
But she looks damn good for her age…

The backless dress, high heels, her hair raised, exposed neck, and the heavy diamond studded necklace that is now adorning her, have all given her an aura of elegance that causes her to be pleased with what she sees before her…

Suddenly...

She stops...

As though distracted by a troubling thought…
Her fingers instinctively trace the strands of her diamond necklace that has been in her family for generations…
A gesture that acts as a key to a gateway…
Connecting her with her past…

She recalls the first time she saw her mother putting the necklace on…
And she remembers how she desired and wished that she too could be as tall, elegant, and beautiful as her mother…

She recalls the day of her wedding…
And how it was the first time in her life, that she, truly felt as tall, elegant, and beautiful as her mother…

And today…
The day of her own and only daughter’s wedding…

As she looks at herself…
With character lines engraved permanently into her face…
With strands of grey hair garnishing her head like ornamental silver strands…
She sees herself as child…
Standing in the doorway…
Admiring her mother…

She sees her daughter…
As she has always seen her…
The adorable, freckled face, two year old, with two pony tails…

She becomes teary eyed…

And a single teardrop escapes and races down her cheek…

As she quickly reaches for a napkin to wipe off the tear…
In fear of running her makeup…

She sighs…
And she utters: where did the time go?

At the same moment…
Straight down the hallway…
Two doors down to be exact…

A seven year old boy…
Dressed in a full tuxedo with slightly oversized sleeves…
Paces in front of a tall mirror…
Practicing his walk...

To him…
It feels as though he has been cooped up in this room for days…
Each passing minute...

Feels like an eternity…

He can hear the clanking of the grandfather clock’s giant pendulum in the hallway…
And he is certain that the clock must be faulty and in need of repair…
For it seems that clanking sounds are too far in between…
As though someone clicked a remote and put everything in slow motion!

He looks down at his brand new, shiny and slippery black letter patent shoes that his mom helped lace up tight…
And he practices his walk…

Right… together… left… together…
Right… together… left… together…

He has been practicing this walk for days now…
And he is still...

As nervous as the day he started…
This damn walk is not natural to him…

And he knows with an uncomfortable degree of certainty…
That he will not get it right…

The heavily starched shirt and the tight collar…
Make him itchy and fidgety…
Every thirty seconds...

His fingers reach between the tight collar and the skin of his neck…
And stretch the collar as he bobs his head from side to side…
Trying to loosen what seems to be chocking him to death…

Ever since he arrived with his parents…
Everyone they passed told him how cute and adorable he looked…
But as he looks at himself in the tall mirror…
He hates how he looks…
He hates the fact that he was forced to comb his hair…
He never combs his hair…

I look like a grown up midget in this stupid outfit… He utters to himself…

Why did I have to insist to be the ring bearer?
What was I thinking?
Why couldn’t I just be out there playing in the grounds with the rest of the kids?

He asks himself...

I hate this wedding…
I hate this outfit…
I hate this place…

His thoughts are disturbed abruptly…
As his mother enters the room enthusiastically...

And announces that it is time to go…

It’s show time my handsome little man...

Weakened at the knees…
And feeling queasy and nauseous all of a sudden…

The last words that he utters…
Before his mother hands him the silver silk pillow with the two shiny rings tied neatly on its surface…
Are…

Why does the time go by so slowly?…
I wish time would pass faster so that this thing could be done and over with….

…

Two people…
Same moment in time…
Same place…
Same event…
And yet…
Two completely contradicting perceptions of time!!!

Throughout our lives…
We have been taught and conditioned…
To treat time as an absolute…
A quantitative, scientific means to measure the distance…
Between heartbeats…
Between sunrises and sunsets…
Between seasons, as nature sheds one skin for the next in a predictable and repeated succession…
Between births and deaths…

But is it really?
Is time indeed absolute?...

I submit to you that time is neither absolute, nor is it “equally” quantitative and measureable to all of us!!!

I further submit to you, that time is rather "qualitative", and that it is purely based on the perception, view, and the experience of the observer!!!...

This simply means that events are not fixed points in the time continuum…

And that they are not ruled by the movement of the hands of a clock, seconds, minutes and hours…
Instead...

They drift through the space of our imagination and our perception of reality; and are triggered by other events and not by time!!!

When you return to your small hometown after decades…
And find the trees, streets, buildings, the sounds, and the smells to have remained unchanged…

When you walk into your old neighborhood convenient store...

And find the same old kind man who sold you candy and ice cream...

Standing behind the counter as he did twenty years ago…
Wearing the same old worn-out apron...
And greeting you with the same smile as he did when you were but a child…

When the aromas emanating from dried fruits, roasted nuts and spices tingle your nostrils...

Exactly the same way they did when you were barely tall enough to see the content of stacked burlap bags filled with goodies…
You know that although time has indeed passed…
The speed, effects and consequences of it vastly vary from your vantage point and perspective!!!...

…


Imagine a large painting…

A painting in which a busy city square is portrayed on a cold Sunday…
Or..
Imagine a painting in which the hustle and bustle of busy bazaar or flea market is captured on a warm summer Wednesday…

Are you there?

Can you see all the people, merchants, gestures?
Can you see people walking hurriedly, standing and talking to one another, haggling, ...?
Can you see the children playing?
Can you hear the mother peering throught the third floor window and calling her son to come up and wash up for lunch?

Good.

Now place yourself somewhere in this painting…
Click the play button of your imagination and bring this still image into life…
Just like resuming a movie after you had paused it…

You see it?

Now...

I want you to stop the movie…
And remove yourself from the scenery portrayed in the painting…

Make yourself an observer instead...

Standing in a museum or an art gallery, looking at this painting…

Hit the play button one more time…

If you have been able to follow this exercise...

Exactly as I instructed you to do…
You will notice that when you hit the play button and let the painting come to life…
What you see in both scenarios…
Is exactly the same!!!...

This, is a painful pill to swallow at first…
But it makes us realize how inconsequential and how insignificant we are (as individuals) when compared to the larger scheme of things...

And in the progression of life and time....

This profound lesson reminds us that “most” of the things that we occupy ourselves and our minds with on a day-to-day basis, are really not important, momentous, or substantial at all...

The things that cause us stress and anxiety…
For the most part…
Aren't really that important, critical, or significant after-all...

Our time is indeed far too short...

And what really, truly matters, is the "connection" we make with others…
Strangers whom we meet for the first time...

Our friends…
Family…
Loved ones…
And lovers….

Those connections are truly the only tangible proof of our existence...
They are our legacy!!!...

Assuming that you agree with my hypothesis…
The question before us...
Then...
Is not how long we live…
It is rather, how we will live it!!!

Faces!

Faces I wear, far too many…
Their tally and disposition not known by any…
These gaudy masks, perhaps, a measure of protection….
Safeguards against judgments, inferences and rejection….

Free, we may seem to be; But our hands are often tied….
Drowned in diverge realities, forgetful of when we were truthful and when we lied….

In the mirror, at my own self I gaze…
In search of a way, out of this maze…
An image, mystified, bewildered and confound…
I find myself, drained, burdened and bound….
Marks and scars, I see in this reflection…
Footsteps of time, a common ill-fated affliction…

Self discovery, indeed a harsh trek…
Summing your life into an insignificant speck …
Vulnerable, exposed, naked and bare…
Concealment and perjury, you no longer dare….

Not easy to hide all these feelings inside…
Much consequence, too many rules to abide…
True meaning I seek through it all…
Nothing else matters, after all…!!!

Self Within

The voice within, calls…
His voice, echoing in the empty halls…

There is no hell or heaven…
Your sins, they all, will be forgiven…
Rules, break free from their binding chain…
Selfishly, your uninhibited freedom regain…
Far too short, is this life, indeed…
Claim it with passion, lust and greed…

In the dark, I sit down and think…
Bottle in hand, I drown and drink…
Starring into the distance, answers I seek…
Scenery before me, desolate and bleak…
What has come of my goodness?, I ask…
How long will I bear this tainted mask?…

Engaged in an eternal dual with the self within…
Tempted, eager, yet fearful of this sin...
Not the only one, in this struggle engaged…
Am I the sanest, or troubled and deranged?...

What future may bring, I cannot foretell…
Here and now, are my heaven and hell…!!!

Writer's Block

Lately, I find myself silent and tongue tied…
Unable to express any thoughts, no matter how hard I’ve tried…
From one thought to the next, my mind races still…
No longer can I let the words flow at will…

This too, will pass I’m sure…
But this unwelcomed guest I cannot ignore…

Screams I hear from the depths of my mind…
Distracted, battered and stifled, by the daily grind…
So many thoughts left unsaid and so much left to confess…
So many doubts and so many fears left to express….

Eyes fixed on the virgin paper, pen in hand…
Motionless and wilted, I daydream of a distant land…
Thousand images rush passed in a constant progression…
I, a paralyzed spectator, unable to break this regression…

Have I already said what had to be said?
Have I woven the web to the end of my thread?
Silently I in this corner I sit, listening to my heart weep and cry…
My muse, without you the tongue is tied and the ink is dry…

Additional Pieces:

Here are two more pieces that I personally like very much...

Self Reliance:

I finished this piece literally an hour ago...

It took a lot of work...  But it is already one of my favorites...

I had this vision for a very long time...  But it used to come to me in bits and pieces...  Not until recently was I able to clearly visualize the entire piece...

Here, I have tried to use contrasts (in colors and textures) to bring out the multi-dimensional nature of who we really are....!  

I'll let you fill in the rest!!!...

No Name (yet):

Believe it or not, a pair of boots that I purchased a while back inspired me to do this piece!!!  

I know what you are thinking...  "... what the hell kind of boots does this guy wear?..."

Oh well, let the artist be a bit of an eccentric once in a while...

This piece, as you can clearly see uses the element of mixed media again...  the piece of burlap is completely torn in the bottom and smaller pieces are literally hanging by threads!!!!

This painting accompanies me in my office at work; and reminds me that there is more to life than just working!!!!

Recent Paintings

Introduction:

My friends,
You have all been very supportive of my work so far, and I truly appreciate all of your comments and encouragements on and off of this website.   

Now that you have had a taste of my writings and poems, I thought we should add more color and variety to the site and start posting my other work as well...

In this post you see four of my recent paintings...

I am often asked about the meaning of each painting; or more precisely, people ask me "what I was thinking about" when painting...

Obviously (for those who know me well), I never answer that question...

I simply believe that my thoughts, inspirations, feelings and motivations for bringing an image to life are not as important and as significant as the feelings, emotions and interpretations that they provoke within "you"-the observers; and I do not wish to influence or dilute them with my descriptions and interpretations!

However, I will say that before each painting is brought to life on canvas, the image of that painting is developed & occupies my thoughts...  I see it as vividly in my mind's eye as one would see it once it is on canvas...

The image will remain there until it is brought to life...  Once done, it will give way to the next creation...

As for these particular pieces, they are all a combination of oil and acrylic paints.  They all have some element of mixed media that allows me to bring additional texture and dimension to each piece...

From the top down, they are:

Secret

This multimedia piece allowed me to simply bring focus to the lock that is at the center of the canvas.

No, it is not a real lock...  I get asked that from almost every single person who sees the picture and not the painting...

Locks have a very special meaning to me...

In fact, I collect antique locks...

I am absolutely fascinated by them...

Whom they belonged to?

What did they protect?

What have they seen?

No Name (yet)

This piece combines a two dimensional picture with a three dimensional texture of a burlap dress...  Raised, and at some points free of the confines of the canvas, the dress bridges our world with that of the woman in the painting...

No Name (yet)

This piece is my latest...

As a matter of fact, it is only a week old, and has not yet even dried...

Here, I added the element of "metal" to the painting...

Very fine sheets of metallic material are used in this painting...  some have been somewhat preserved, and some have been completely smeared and embedded into the canvas itself...

Victory

I have made many different sketches and renditions of this image over the past couple of years...  This is the only one that I have brought on canvas.

Hope you enjoy them...!

Decision 2008, a rendezvous with destiny!

As I stood in the cardboard booth…

Manipulating the knobs and buttons of the electronic voting machine….

Casting my vote…

I could not have even begun to imagine…

The enormity of what was to come a few hours later…

 

Tonight…

More than ever before…

I am proud to call myself an American…

Not just because we as a nation…

Abandoned our prejudice heritage…

Not just because this time, we didn’t have to choose between two artificial flavors of the same old recipe…  (Two empty suits…  Void of vision… and filled with self interest…)

But because this time…

Our vote stood for something more…

Something much more profound…

And much more fundamental…

 

Tonight…

We voted for America…

Tonight…

We reclaimed our nation…

 

It will be a while…

Maybe a long while…

Before we truly understand and appreciate the enormity of “decision 2008”…

But what should be evident to every single one us…

As clear as day…

Is that we just witnessed the birth of a new era…

In which every citizen of this country HAS to think, act and feel as responsible as a public servant…

For the victory is not whom we elected…

The victory comes when we-as people-come together to restore our nation…

The victory comes when being a citizen does not mean relinquishing responsibility and tolerating incompetence…  (incompetence?  Not descriptive enough…  How about “outright rape” of a nation?)…

Rather the victory comes…

When we stand up for ourselves, for our families, friends, and neighbors…

When we don’t forget that the government is supposed to be there to "serve" and  to "protect us"… and not to dictate how we live or what we have to endure...

That our elected officials are not part of an “untouchable elite”, and rather, our “servants”, our “employees”…

When we refuse to be manipulated like powerless puppets through fear and under the guise of patriotism…

When we “stand up” for ourselves as we did today…

 

Our responsibility does not end tonight…

It can’t…

We cannot go back to another “4-year hibernation”…

We cannot sit idle when our hard-earned dollars are spent on ever-increasing gas prices under the disguise of demand and supply nonsense while every oil company reports astronomical earnings quarter after quarter…

We cannot sit idle when our tax dollars are spent on bailing out bad businesses and bad business decisions…

We cannot continue to pay CEOs of large corporations for failing… 

We cannot be tolerant or merciful when corporations cheat the public, steal from us, and poison our environment…  

We cannot allow others to take our focus away from what is really important by continuously bombarding us with propaganda and striking fear into our hearts…  We are supposed to be the poster-child of freedom on this planet, and yet, we choose to stay quiet because we are too afraid…  Just watch a morning or evening news and count the reasons why you should be afraid that day…  Afraid of a new disease because the pharmaceuticals want us to buy yet another useless placebo…    And when we decide to take that medicine, our TV tells us a million times day, of the side effects that we should be afraid of…  Afraid of an imaginary threat we know absolutely nothing about…   Because there is no opportunity for corporate America and Haliburtons of the world to make money if they let our government deal with the real threats…  Afraid to travel…  Afraid to lose our jobs…   Afraid that if we open our minds, read for a change, or god forbid, look outside our own little shallow world, we might find something even bigger to be afraid of… OUR OWN IGNORANCE!!!

We can no longer afford to close our eyes to what goes on in the world and to hide behind our short attention spans and attention deficit disorders…

We can no longer afford to wear the fluffy blind fold and focus our attention and concern to what Brad and Angelina are doing, what happens to Britney in the rehab, or whether Lindsey is gay, straight or both…

We can no longer allow Prozac and Viagra to be the solutions to all of our problems…

The responsibility…

Our responsibility…

Our “renewed” responsibility…

Begins tonight…

It may not be abundantly clear from what I have written tonight…

But I am actually very hopeful…

I am hopeful that what transpired tonight…

And what is ahead…

Will be a catalyst…

To awaken us from our slumber…

To renew our sense of responsibility as citizens…

 

Tonight…

Our future…

Is in our hands!!!

Tonight...

We have a rendezvous with our destiny...

A Look Within

There are thoughts I do not dare…
With my closest kin, even share…
Some are dark, and some are bright…
Filled with hope, filled with fright….

Weary that I might be judged…
Too vain and too proud to be ascertained…

Others are but a mirror for you to see…
Who and what, you have become to be…
Too ugly at times, maybe…
My reflection, even too callous for me…

Too self absorbed as the next, truth to be told…
No more or less giving, but honest, brutal and bold…
Too proud and egotistical to follow…
The religious poison, I refuse to swallow…

In heaven or in hell will I reside?
Whose rules will I abide?
Whose is the hand that holds the string?
Fate of us all, who will bring?

Who should I be, which path should I take?
Will I sell out, my soul forsake?

My beliefs, for ages instilled…
In my brain, eternally ingrained…

How will we ever know?
What will we have for ourselves to show?
What is my purpose, what legacy will I leave behind?
Will the judgment be fair, evenhanded and kind?

Unanswered questions, far too many…
Source of truth, I know not of any…

Believe in one, If I must…
Only myself, I can trust…
Instinct, wisdom and compassion…
My guiding lights through this progression…
Adaptive, strong, and filled with love…
I aspire to be, all above…!

Dare to live...

I often wonder…
What of me will remain…
I often wonder…
Will it be a loss or a gain…
Is there a purpose to living this life…
Or, will it all perish in vain…

Futile exercise it seems…
But I cannot refrain…

Some believe in heaven and hell…
And this belief, they faithfully maintain…
Blind faith, a chronic excuse…
Unwilling to question, unable to explain…
Following the path of least resistance…
Devoted, committed, yet insane…

Ironic, this game of life…
The answers hidden, they forever remain…
I know not the answer, nor mastery I claim…
A cynical seeker, filled with inquisitive thoughts I cannot contain…

I know what I know, and I know what I don’t…
Slave of contentment, I haven’t been, and I won’t...

Life is too short, a cliché, I know…
My passion for life, forever will grow…

The beauty, is the mystery of the unknown…
An intricate puzzle, so many pieces not shown…

With each passing moment, the hunger mounts...
It is not the destination, but the journey that counts…

Dare to live, to the very last…
Learn from your sacred past…
Embrace what comes, break the rigid cast…
Swim in the ocean of life, for it is vast…
Dare to live, to the very last…
For in a blink of any eye, your “future” is “past”…
Every minute, every second, a gift…
Make them last, make them last!!!

Solitude

The room is dark…
Void of light…

Senses heightened…

But no sight…

My eyes closed, my face a frown…
Random thoughts, left and right...

Glass of ale, almost empty…
Helping to lessen my fright…
Afraid of what has been…
And what might…
The war is not yet over…
So many battles left to fight…

The taste is bitter…
Jaws clench tight…
As the dark liquid burns…
Thoughts sore to a new height…

The mind’s eye opens…
In search of light…
Your image comes to mind…
Pure sense of delight…

A new sense of consciousness I gain…
As the warm ale passes through each vein…

As surroundings become more blur…
Ever so self aware I remain…
As I slowly shed the fear…
A peaceful calm I gain…

The present dissolves more with every sip…
Reality vanishes as I lose my grip...

Intoxicated by the thoughts of you, and not the ale…
These thoughts, like fresh air, I inhale…

The peace that overcomes me is beyond compare…
No longer do I feel the sadness, or the despair...

In flesh, in my thoughts, or in my dreams…
You are the only answer it seems…

The past, present, or the future matter none…
As I forsake all others but one…!

The Arched Bridge

Prelude...

I saw this picture yesterday...

And for some reason...  Couldn't stop looking at it... or think about it since...

As I looked at this picture....

Another image came to me...

Here is what I saw:

It is 1:30 am….

He has been walking aimlessly all night….

He is still walking….

The busy streets….

Packed with people….

Still…

On this Saturday night (or more accurately Sunday morning)…

Young and old….

Of all shapes..

And of all colors….

Talking…

Laughing….

Dancing….

The lights….

Are all nothing but a blur….

The sounds….

Are a collective…

Almost a muted hum….

What he sees…..

Are still images and figures….

As though…

He has been transported into a painting…..

And….

He is the only thing….

And the only one…

Who is real in this colorful landscape…..

What he hears….

Is the sound of his own breathing….

The beating of his own heart…..

And the rhythm of his steps….

On the crowded sidewalk…..

He is not intoxicated….

Or inebriated….

He is not lost….

Rather…

He is searching….

Inward….

And outward….

He searches the past….

And…

He searches the present….

For he knows….

That what he finds…

Will shape the future….

Images….

Rush passed his mind’s eye….

Images that don’t belong to his present surroundings….

Or if they do….

They are super-imposed….

And intermingled….

With images of what has already transpired….

And have been forever engrained….

Etched…

In the deepest parts of his soul….

These images…

Vivid…

Bright…

Real…

Make up his world now!…

These images…

As persistent…

And as continuous…

As the sound of his steps…

On the cobblestoned pavement beneath his feet…

Are his realm…

Where he needs to be…

Where he HAS to be…

As he turns the corner…

The blurred hum vanishes…

Almost instantly…

He knows that he has left the crowded neighborhood…

He walks…

As he has been for hours now…

Hoping that the night…

Will lead him to his destination…

Wherever…

Or whatever…

That may be…

He walks…

He walks through the streets…

The occasional reflection of a faint street light…

The darkened and the cold buildings…

Walls…

Doorways…

Toppled garbage bins…

Empty boxes…

Left out by store proprietors…

Who closed for the day hours ago…

Remind him…

Of the parts of his past…

That have been left abandoned…

And condemned…

For years now!…

He walks…

As he has been for hours now…

He walks…

Through the alleys of his own soul…

The salty air…

Tingles his nostrils…

He knows…

That he is nearing the waterfront…

A dense fog…

Blows through the street…

And thickens quickly…

With every steps that he takes…

Like a warm blanket…

Covering the landscape…

As mother nature…

Tucks her children in for the night…

In a distant…

Not so far from him…

The ocean…

Gently brushes the shore…

And he can hear the faint sound of the gentle waves…

He crosses the fog covered street…

Only able to see a few steps ahead…

Walks down the stairs…

That connect the street to the walkway below…

And lead the way to the waterfront…

He holds on to the railing…

And feels the cold, damp metal railing…

Almost stinging his skin…

Wipes the droplets of water which are now collected on his fingertips on his jeans…

As he steps down the last step….

He hears the waves clearly now…

Gentle…

Calming…

And yet…

Testaments to the awesome power of the dark ocean…

A sleeping giant…

That can devour everything in site…

Instantly…

If awaken from its solemn slumber…

He walks…

As he has been for hours…

The half-moon’s reflection on the wavy water…

Guiding his path…

He feels the gentle breeze…

Guiding and propelling the dense fog…

Against the side of his face…

And…

He is reminded…

Reminded of HER…

Her image…

As gentle and kind…

As loving and breathtaking…

As always…

Looking at him…

Lovingly…

Her eyes sparkling…

With the love, passion and devotion…

That drove them together…

And bonded them forever...

 …

He walks…

As he has been for hours now…

His mind racing…

His senses heightened…

He brings her image to life…

And as he reaches out to hold her hand in his…

He is reminded of the first time they held hands…

He…

With all of his senses…

Recalls how it felt when his fingertips first touched her hand…

Her softness…

Her texture…

How he felt her life force rush into his veins as their hands held each other for the first time…

Like a strong, warm, and an instantly intoxicating ale…

…

How this simple touch…

Thought him more about her than any conversation they ever had!…

He walks…

As he has been for hours…

And for a short while…

She walks by his side…

Hand in hand…

Silent…

Yet speaking volumes…

He feels calm…

And at piece...

With himself…

And the world around him…

He feels complete….!!!!

He follows the pathway towards a canal…

Sound of few drunken adolescent males walking in a group…

Exhausting the last remnants of their testosterone/alcohol fuel for the night…

Distract him for a moment…

An incredible anger rages within him…

How dare they disturb his walk with his beloved?...

Blood rushes through his veins…

His heart begins to pound…

Feeling as though it would burst through his chest at any moment…

He hears her whispering his name…

Redirecting his attention affectionately…

And he sees her image again…

He is reminded of how much he had longed to see this look…

Half angelic…

Half filled with childlike mischief…

…

He walks…

As he has been for hours…

In a state beyond the natural realm…

And somewhere between…

What is…

and…

What once was…

With her by his side…

They walk together…

Side by side…

As they were meant to be….

…

The fog is now almost gone…

They reach the arched stone bridge…

One of their favorite spots…

He looks on…

The arched bridge…

And its reflection under the moonlit sky…

Forming a perfect circle…

An illusion…

Not unlike…

What he was experiencing now!…

The illusive image…

This “half-real half-illusion circle…

Looked like a magical gateway…

Leading to a world…

A world that was theirs and theirs alone…

A gateway…

To the world of “what could be”…

A world that they could build together…

…

He stood there…

Motionless…

With her by his side…

For what seemed to only last a short while…

Where in fact…

Hours had now passed…

The sun…

Had begun to rise gently…

He turned his gaze away from the gateway…

Looking for her…

Looking for his beloved…

But…

She was gone…

The sorrow that he felt…

And the emptiness that came over him…

Is more than any man can bear…

Silently…

He screamed…

As a single tear…

Glistened the side of his face…

...

He walks….

As he has been for hours…

Searching…

For his beloved!!!

Life In Reverse

Prelude…

 

Before you read this post… I want to caution you that I have made references to certain human behavior that I have criticized; and what occurs to us in the natural process of aging that I have described in a rather blunt manner.

Although I do not apologize for what I have written, I want you – the reader  - to know that:

(a) I am just as vain and shallow as the next person (if not more)…  So I am not singling anyone one out; and I am certainly not worthy to judge anyone…

(b) my references to what happens to us (men and women) during the aging process is not to demean those of us who are passed the age of 40…

 

Now…

If you wish…

Shed your delicate nature…

And read on…

 

 

 

Do any of you remember the TV sitcom “Mork and Mindy”?

It was on during the mid to late 80s….  I guess….

The premise of the show was that an alien (Mork – played by Robin Williams) comes to earth and befriends this woman (Mindy)….

 

Robin does what he does best….

And plays the character of Mork with all the goofiness he can muster….

Obviously….

The excuse is that since Mork is from another planet, his reactions to his new surroundings can be goofy and childish (even though he looks like a grown man)…..

 

The show was not brilliant or Emmy worthy by any stretch of the imagination….

It simply was ANOTHER 30-minute escape from reality for the over-worked, stressed, short-attention-spanned, thirty something year old, average yuppie who did not have the time nor the interest to do anything requiring or involving his/her brain whatsoever….

 

Interestingly enough though, the show did two things quite brilliantly…

 

The first thing happened when they chose Robin for the role….

They picked a hairy, stocky man…..

Who by nature…..

Thought, expressed himself, and acted…..

As a 6 or 7 year old child…..

Free of rules and boundaries made up by complex factors such as religion, economics, racial interaction,  and political and social agendas….  

This alone was half of the appeal of the show….

 

The second occurred somewhere passed the half-life of the show….

When they introduced a child from Mork’s planet…..

This child was actually a 60-70 year old man….!!!

 

You see….

In Mork’s planet….

Wherever it was supposed to be…..

People were born old….

And  with the passing of every day….

They grew older mentally…..

While physically….

They became younger and younger…..

 

What a fantastic notion……!!!

Although silly at first….

This notion….

Makes perfect sense…..

(AT LEAST TO ME)….!!!!!

 

Bear with me….

OK?

Let’s examine this a little closer….

 

We are born ….

Weak….

Fragile….

Half baked and half developed….. 

(Let’s face it…. Babies may be cute (definitely not all of them….); but they have heads that are too big for their bodies….  They can’t even stand up or hold their wobbly heads straight….. )

Venerable to every element within our environment…..

With no sense of self-awareness…

 

Once we get passed the first incubation years…. During which we get “backed”….

We are filled with energy that comes out of nowhere… 

(have you ever seen a kid eat?  They don’t….  You have to constantly beg them to eat just ONE MORE BITE for mommy OK?…  and yet…. They have enough energy to single-handedly wipe out both of their parents, the nanny (if there is one), the neighbors, and the entire local chapter of the National Guard in one evening alone between 6 pm and 8 pm!!!!)…

 

Where was I….?

Oh ya…

Full of energy….

With tight, glowing skin that screams YOUTH….

A body that is as flexible as rubber…

An insatiable curiosity….

And a pure, untainted, unbiased, amazingly open and limitless imagination…

When asked how old they are…

They always try to sound older….   I’m 6 and 3/4s!.....

…

 

When we reach teenage years….

For most humans….

Everything goes out of balance….

Better said: out of whack…

Pimply….

Oily skin…

Body grows in an odd fashion making us look like something between a child and a freshly plucked ostrich…

Messed up emotions and thoughts…

Affected by an unbelievable mess of hormones…

And yet….

Still trying to be thought of as older as we really are…

Acting in stupid ways to TRY and look like grownups….

Some smoke….

Some drink….

Some pierce their bodies like pin cushions….

We declare a rebellion against the adults in our lives…

And rely more and more on the social acceptance of the peer group….

And emotionally abandon our families…  Especially the parents…  The “authority figures”…

 

Unfortunately…

This is when we are at our physical prime…

Our bodies are at peak performance…

Our sexual drives are so strong that could equal the collective sexual potential of a large crew at all-day porn shoot…

And yet…

We don’t have the means to do the things we CAN and WANT to do…

Highest sexual drive….

Yet, prohibited from free sexual activity (at least in most societies)…

Our physical fitness is at a level that we can do or endure almost anything…

Indestructible…

we are at that age…

Immortal….

We want to go FAST…

We don’t own (and can’t afford) a decent FAST car…

We can stay up and party for days…

But we don’t have a house or money…

We can eat anything…

But all we want at that time is to fill up the stomach….

Not to tease the senses and enrich the pallet…

We are ready to be adventurous and do things that take our endurance and physical form to its limits…. 

But other than screwing 4 wheels to a piece of plywood and sliding down everything in sight….

We do not have the means to explore the environment and to experience the things that years and years later we so regretfully jot down in our “things I would love to do before I die” list!!!!!

…

 

When we get to our twenties….

We enter the “snap out of it and grow up” phase!!!!

Party is beginning to dwindle down…

And the smarter ones realize that they have to get their s@#t together….

And plan for the future…

To spend our prime wasting precious time and to slave so that when we are once again frail and fragile….

Hopefully….

We have the means to BE TAKEN CARE OF…

…

 

When we reach our thirties…

We begin the “self examination” process…

Who am I supposed to be?

Who am I really?

What are my beliefs?

What constitutes my value system?

 

Still slaving and climbing the social ladder (or at least trying to)….

With all of these philosophical and fundamental questions ringing in our heads like loud drums over and over and over again…

Still torn between letting go of the good old carefree days and growing up and assuming “responsibility”….

Taking on the wanted or unwanted responsibility of raising children!!!!!!!!!!

(At least for most of us…)

Thinking….

I have no idea who the hell I am yet…

How can I possibly know what to do with this little impressionable thing that thinks of me as her/his super hero?

Pressures are too high…

If you are not married…

People want to know what’s wrong with you!

If you are married and have kids…. 

Well…

We covered that already…

 

Constantly being judged and labeled…

By yourself…

and by others…

What is your occupation?

How far up the ladder are you?

How much money do you make?

How big is your house?

 

And then…

 

BAAAAAAAAANG….

 

The forties come…

You’ve either made it by now…

Or you are in deep doo doo….

 

Body begins to crumble…

If you go to play basketball with a bunch of twenty-somethings…

You can hold your own on the court…

But your body will ache for a week after you get home….!

 

The cabinet in your bathroom is beginning to get filed up with pharmaceuticals…

You take anti depressants so that you won’t suddenly snap under the pressure and choke someone with your bare hands…. Or hang yourself off of some ceiling fan with the Gucci belt you got for Christmas from your wife….

 

You take sexual enhancement pills…

(Thank god that both men and women have them now….)

Because your anti-depressants took your sex drive away…

So now…

You are even more depressed…

 

Your manhood doesn’t rise to the occasion anymore…

Either because of the pills….

Or the fact that you and your significant other are totally bored of each other now….

So you go to the doctor….

And he gives you more anti depressants…

Which make you feel numb to it ALL…

 

If you are a woman…

You begin to be less and less pleased with your body…

Which is – once again – going through changes…

Whether you have given birth or not…

Gravity is taking its toll on you….

Things are not as firm as they used to be…

When you lie down on your back….

You have to adjust your boobs…  Which by now…. Each going a different direction if left unmanaged…

You hate the wrinkles….

So you pay top dollar to have poison injected in your face…

Or…

To take fat out of your ass…

And inject it into your lips….

Thinking you just bought yourself Angelina lips….

When in fact….

You look more like Donald Duck…..!

You miss the flat stomach…

And the bulletproof butt you used to have…

You look in the mirror…

And what you see…

Looks more like your mom than YOU…

 

If you’re a man…

You are constantly wondering why you have less and less hair on your head….

And increasingly more and more on the parts of your body that aren’t even supposed to have hair (unless you are a silverback and live in Africa or a zoo somewhere)…

Speaking of hair…

Why is it that when men color their hair they look so ridiculous; but when women do it, it looks so good (well… at least most of the time…)?

And what on earth do the people who wear a road-kill on their heads – or even worse – those guys who get plugs and walk around looking like an old doll with all the wholes in their head showing – thinking?...

Do they actually think they look good and sexy?

…

You look into the mirror…

And only see faint glimpses of the dashing, handsome, hunk of man you once were…

Instead…

And you wonder…

And worry…

About why you see less and less of your pecker every time you look down…

Is it the gut that is getting in the way as you pack more Krispy Kreme in it?...

Or is it actually your wonder-rod that is shriveling?...

 

 

You can’t eat anything you want….

Now that you have the brains and the money to enjoy exotic foods and tastes…

Because you are watching your weight….

Your collateral…

Your salt intake…

All you are eating more and more of….

Is medicine….

With the exception of a small percentage of the very lucky…

The rest…

Can’t take REAL vacations…

And take on the adventures and the journeys they dreamed of before (and will dream of for the rest of their lives)….

Because of jobs….

Or the kids…

Or…

(I don’t consider chasing crying and nagging kids around Disney Land and buying over-priced T-shirts at an amusement park t a vacation….

Popcorn and cotton candy are not exotic foods….

And just because they have fireworks at nigh and you can take your picture with a carton character, you can’t call yourself a well-traveled person even if you have been to every damn fun-fair and “blah blah Land/World” there is….)

 

 

That is why they call it “mid life crisis”….

If all of this is not a crisis…

I don’t know what is…

Remember how we wanted to “appear” older when we were young?...

During this particular crisis, we will do anything possible to “appear” younger than we really are!!!

Aside from those who go absolutely nuts…

Grow a pony tail even though they have lost all the hair on the top and the front….

Buy a Harley…

Get a tattoo of a “burning skull wearing an eye-patch and a bandana” to look cool and carefree…. 

(I am just itching to get one myself by the way – NOT the burning skull on fire wearing an eye-patch and a bandana though…. Maybe a little devil!!!!)…

 

CAREFREE..!!!

what a joke…..

Get fake boobs bigger than their own heads…..

(don’t get me wrong…  I have nothing against plastic surgery or any type of enhancement…  But I do think a lot of us take things beyond what would be NATURALY acceptable and proportional to FREAKISH dimensions)….

Go to the gym to reverse the inevitable…..

The rest….

The majority…..

Stop fighting…..

They resign to the fact that they are no longer young…..

And the body that knew no limits only a few years ago….

Is beginning to be the prison cell in which their minds are sentenced to spend the rest of their days……

So….

Giving up on the outer-self….

We focus on the inner-self…..

Why am I in this rat race?

How can I give more meaning to my life?.....

WHAT IS MY LEGACY?

…

 

I’m still in my early forties…..

So I don’t have first hand experience with what happens next….

But, we’ve all seen it…..

The physical decline has gained more momentum……

You are slowing down…..

And wishing that life and time would slow down too…..

To give you more time….

To do all the things you didn’t get to do…..

Or…

Perhaps to undo some of the things you should not have done…..!!!!!

Not focusing on the inevitable future….

We find more pleasure….

In reliving and rehashing the few fund memories of the past……

Why do you think we go senile….?

Or get Alzheimer’s?

Get in a room….

Close the blinds…..

Shut off all outside contacts…..

Turn on a TV and watch the same re-run over and over again……

What do you think will happen to your brain?!!!!!

 

 

So…..

At the end of this life journey……

We go full circle……

We….

Once again….

Become….

Fragile…..

Weak…..

Half backed…. (or should I say, overcooked)!!!! LOL

Our bodies and our minds fail us….

And we perish…..

 

 

So you ask…..

“what does all of this have to do with Mork and Mindy?”…..

Remember I told you that on Mork’s planet, babies are born with old bodies and immature minds?…..

And as they grow older, their bodies get younger and their minds mature?

 

Now you know where I am going with this…..

WHAT WOULD LIFE BE LIKE IF WE REVERSED THE CIRCLE I DESCRIBED SO FAR?

 

You would come to this world with an aged and tired body…..

And the mind of an infant….. 

Your physical activity needs at this stage are very limited…..

All you have to do really….

Is to eat, s#$t and sleep…..

And an old body is just the right outfit for that….

Perfectly suited……

 

With the passing of every day…..

You have more energy…..

You are more able….

You are more vibrant……

You spend your old years playing with other old people….

Freely….

Like little kids….

Go to kindergarten…..

To school……

By the time your mind gets to the teenage years…..

Your body is still too old to have sexual desires……

So you can focus on your studies and later on your career….

On making MONEY……

When you get to your thirties (remember, we are going in reverse)…..

You have accumulated your means….

You now have the means to do the things you want (all the things I described)…..

To eat what you want….. (You are done taking pills now)….

You get stronger and stronger and younger every day…..

By the time you retire….

You are in the peek of your physical and mental development…..

Now ….

Sky is the limit……

You enjoy life….

Because YOU CAN……

And because you are mature enough to understand what really matters!!!

(We always say… “If I only knew then what I know now”…  Well… in the reversal theory, that is exactly the case)…

 

Later on…..

When you get near the end…..

You have become fragile once again…..

This time as an infant…..

Instead of a decaying reject of nature……

Your mind has turned blank again…..

You have no sense of self-awareness….

You are fragile….

And you pass away……

 

 

When you think of it…..

Under both scenarios……

We start fragile and unaware……

And we end…..

Fragile and unaware……

 

So…..

Indeed….

It is the MIDDLE that counts……

It is not….

The beginning of the journey…..

Nor the destination……

That matters……

What is important…..

What really matters…..

IS THE JOURNEY ITSELF…..!!!!!

 

So start…..

Start today…..

Start NOW…

This very moment…..

And…..

For as long as you can…..

LIVE YOUR LIFE IN REVERSE!