The toy maker, the musician, and the chain-smoking wife!

I sat at my usual corner table outside of my favorite trendy coffee shop...
Sipping the delightful coffee, puffing on my cigarette, and reading a book…
It was a Friday afternoon…
And at 6:30 pm-in this time of the year-it was already dark and felt more like 9:00…
The place was getting increasingly crowded as the Friday-night crowds were beginning their end-of-the-week ritual…
To officially mark the end of the work week…
To go on “the” date they have been excitedly and anxiously awaiting all week, Or to simply go out on the prowl… looking for possibilities!
I rather enjoyed this particular book, and didn’t pay much attention to the passing crowd… They were just blurred shapes and colors… Much like how a picture turns out if you take a snapshot of the sidewalk when driving by in a fast moving car…
As I took my eyes off the page…
Only for a moment…
To put out my cigarette…
From the corner of my eyes I saw him looking at me with a childlike curiosity in his eyes…
I looked up at him and gave a polite smile…
And as soon as I returned my gaze back to the page, trying to find the line I stopped reading at… He said: “a guy like you should be walking around this place with a couple of these young beautiful women at your arms… Book reading is for an old fart like me…”.
I gave another polite smile, and tried to mumble something in response… But he wasn’t waiting for my response… He continued after a very short pause: “what I wouldn’t give to be your age”…
I slid the bookmark between the pages I was reading and set the book down… Now paying full attention to him…
I’m not that young. I said…
Young enough. He replied…
What would you do besides walking around with two beautiful women at your arms? I asked with a smirk…
Why on earth would I do anything else? He replied with a guttural laugh…
Touché… I said to him… Acknowledging having asked a stupid question!
...
You look like… what’s his name… the actor… He struggled for the name…
I know… I get that a lot… I didn’t wait for him to complete his memory archival search…
Are you in the business?
No. I replied… Assuming that he meant the “entertainment industry”…
What do you do?
I don’t know why… But I often find it awkward to answer that question… Maybe it’s because saying that I am an executive in a telecom software company is a mouthful of fluff that many people won’t understand it any way… It is certainly not like saying I am a cop, a dentist, a lawyer, or a carpenter…
I explained any way…
Hmm… he said… You don’t look it… Most of those guys are stuffy, empty old “suits”….
I laughed… He was right!
What do you do? I asked…
Oh, I’m retired…
What did you do before you retired?
I was a toy maker…

Now that’s a kind of answer you don’t hear very often… I thought to myself (as all kinds of vivid images and questions rushed into my mind)…
He must have seen that in my expression… Without invitation… He collected his coffee, abandoned his table and walked towards mine…
Do you mind? He asked as he pulled a chair across from me…
Not at all… Please… I replied… welcoming him to join me…

My name is Jim… He said as he extended his hand to shake mine…
His hand felt rough…
Bony fingers with bulging arthritic knuckles…
A hand that had seen hard times and had done hard work…
He was in his late seventies… I ventured to guess…
Looking at his tired old face, I could still easily see the young man that he once was…
As sunken deep in a sea of wrinkles, sat two sparkling eyes as that of an excited child… Bright and burning with the fire of life…
He spoke of his youth… His adolescent bar fights… His bodies… How he joined the Korean War, and the fact that the Korean "War" was not a war, but rather a U.N.-sponsored police action; and that it is more properly called the Korean Conflict!... And he wanted to ensure that I knew that it did not "end"! That is was more or less a permanent cease-fire…
He told me about his wife… Who was his high school sweetheart… A feisty little blond with freckles who had stolen his heart at the first glance… and how she waited for him to return from his tour of duty so that they could be married…
He told me about a toy shop they opened up together in a small town, selling the wooden toys that he himself made… And how, after twenty two years, his business grew to the point that he was receiving special orders from well known toy stores around the country…
How proud he was of the “real” toys he had made for children… “Not the plastic crap that you see these days….!” As her described it....
They never had any children of their own… And she had passed away five years ago after a lengthy and painful bout with liver cancer…
This reminded me of my father… Who died of the same ailment a few years back… How I saw the cancer eat at him until there was nothing left but skin and bones… How I kissed his cold and lifeless face for one last time as he lay in the mortuary… To say “goodbye”… Before he was cremated….
…
As I re-lived my own memories… Jim was still talking… I could hear his voice… but could not make out the words… I was preoccupied and so was he…
He didn’t need me to listen!!!
I could have been a six hundred pound pink gorilla sitting across a table from him for all he cared…
He just needed an excuse to bring back old memories…
To re-live them once more…
To use this recollection exercise to summon his bodies, navy pals, his beloved wife, his store, and his customers back to life… So that he would not be “ALONE” any more…!!! Even if for a short while…

Snap out of it…

I ordered myself…

And once again…

I engaged myself in my mostly one-way conversation with Jim…
I no longer had any interest in returning to the book I was reading…

As now, I was reading Jim’s “book”!…

The story of his life, experiences, dreams and hopes…
And…
Just as abruptly as he started his conversation with me, he ended it… He fell silent… We looked each other square in the eyes… And all that needed to be said and acknowledged was said and acknowledged…!!!
He was grateful for the opportunity to talk…
And I…

Now richer for having known him and his story…
We shook hands once again… Said our goodbyes, and parted ways…

…

Two hours had passed…
I was famished… And I needed a drink…
A short walking distance, and a few minutes later… I walked into a favorite restaurant of mine…

Circled the rather large bar area to find a seat…
Took a few minutes, but a spot opened up and I rushed in to grab it before anyone else in the crowd did…

What can I get you? The bartender asked…
Black and Tan… I replied…
This is another reason why I like this place so much…. I don’t have to explain what Black and Tan is… And I don’t have to deal with the disappointment of the establishment not serving it…

He came back quickly…

Six fifty… He said…

I give him my credit card…. Open a tab and bring me the menu… I asked.

Large screen TVs were showing football, basketball, golf and women’s soccer…

No interest in any of them…

I just looked at the screens… Looking passed them and through them… Like those weird 3-D posters that you are supposed to look through before the image pops out at you...

Sitting next to me…

Was a tall man in his late forties…

Handsome and hip…

Wearing a dark blue shirt with fancy stitching and embroidery on it… The same kind I wear most of the time these days…

He had a trendy hat on that covered his thick wavy blond hair…
He was going at his food with an admirable eagerness and gluttony… And he was drinking a Black and Tan!!!

I ordered my usual at this place…

And it arrived as soon as the bartender was done setting up the napkin and the silverware in front of me…
I tore the paper wrap and took out the wooden chopsticks… Rubbing them together to get rid of any splinters….

He looked at my food, and said: What is that? Some kind of an exotic vegetarian dessert?
I laughed…
No… It is a special dish they have only here…
What is it?
It’s a Spicy Tuna Roll…

I could see the inquisitive look on his face, and continued explaining…

It’s not like the kind you get in a Sushi place… It has no seaweed wrap and no rice… It is simply raw Spicy Tuna, with cucumbers, edamame, and exotic garnishes served in a bed of really hot wasabi…

An acquaintance of his stopped by…
They shook hands and exchanged dry pleasantries…
The friend walked away and brought his lovely trophy wife along… Typical South Orange County scene… She was at least fifteen years younger than him…
Pleasantries again…

After a few minutes they walked back to the other side of the bar…

Does your bracelet signify something or carry a special meaning? He asked…
Puzzled… I extended both arms toward him… Revealing 3 bracelets on my right wrist and one beaded bracelet on my left which I wear next to my watch…

Which one? I asked….

He smiled… And pointed to the beaded one…

No particular significance… Other than the fact that it looks good… I said…

Are you a musician? I asked…
Yes I am… How did you know?
Bingo!... I just love it when I can read people…!!!

Lucky guess… I said… Trying to hide my vanity and self indulgence…
What do you play? I asked of him…
I sing and I am percussionist… That’s not what I do for living… But I’ve been at it for a long time…

Somehow, I was not at all interested in finding out what he did for living… Something told me that the musician story was going to be far more interesting…

He went on to tell me about the house he was renting on the top of the hills facing the ocean… His Harley and the excursions he goes on with his buddies… We talked about Harley Girls and how most of them are just fat, sweaty mommas with cheaply done ink on their shoulder blades… And the “tramp stamps” that have no business being on their wide backs!...

We talked about local bars, and he was surprised that I didn’t know of many of the local hangouts…
I guess he had thought that I was “cooler” and “hipper”…!!!

He turned out to be a diver like me… Many people who live by the ocean are… And we exchanged diving stories… Each trying to top the other… In a competitive attempt to demonstrate our masculine superiority…!

...

Any record deals? I asked…
I must have struck just the right cord!!!
His eyes sparkled… He smiled… A smile filled with both pride and fear!!!!
He went on to say:
I’ve been at this for a long time man… I’ve played most of the top joints in LA… Rave, Whisky, you name it…
"We"… He then quickly rephrased… “I”, have a song that is guaranteed to be a hit… Even the folks at blah blah record company told me this… (I had already forgotten the famous record company’s name the minute it left his lips)… It has all the right stuff… the right song… the right lyrics… and the hook that is sure to make it an instant hit…
But they (the record company folks) want at least two more songs… They don’t want it to be just a hit single that gets forgotten soon… A one hit wonder…

The way he said “two more songs” sounded odd and strange to me… It sounded as though it would be easier for him to build the wall of China with bare hands than to write two more songs!!!…
Strange… I thought…
A seasoned musician with years and years of experience under his belt… Having lived the “dream” for most of his life, can’t write a couple of more songs?!...
Then I thought, maybe he was too close to success…

Too close to fulfilling the dream he has had since the first day he played with his buddies in his dad’s garage…!!!!

And the fear of failure, or more probable, the fear of success was stopping him from realizing what he had always wanted...

What he had come so close to...

And what was now almost at his grasp...

First it would be these two songs… Then he would have to write more… to remain popular and to be on top of the charts for ever… More songs… More songs…

The thought of climbing and clawing your way up all your life, only to stay at the top a short while after you reach it, is quite intimidating… !!!

People overcome the fear of failure much more effectively…

They just dive in and face the fear…

What do I have to lose? Many of us have asked ourselves that question, and by doing so have overcome deep rooted fears…

But not the fear of success…

That is a much more powerful demon that haunts many people!!!…
Indeed, fear of success is more of a common affliction than people realize…
There are a lot of smart people out there… and there are even more good ideas…
And the number one reason why success does not knock on EVERYONE’s door is the FEAR OF SUCCESS!!!
Seems counterintuitive and ironic, doesn’t it?

…

We both took big gulps out of our drinks to fill the awkward silence that his self reflection and my silent analysis had created at that very moment when one of his buddies tapped him on the shoulder…

They greeted and exchanged pleasantries in a common male ritual fashion…

Again…
I went back to enjoying my dinner…

A short while later, the friend left…
The musician once again engaged me in a conversation… But this time… Completely superficial…!!!
He had-in the course of his prior conversation with me-pushed himself far outside of his comfort zone… He had seen the demon, and didn’t want to battle him… not then… and not there…!!!
My friend… the guy who was just here… said that he was heading down to Hennessey’s… More than a hundred people are going to get together there… He said. And he asked me if I wanted to go down there and hang with them…
I don’t know why… but without even thinking about it… I said: There are more than hundred people here!!! Why go elsewhere? People are people… Aren’t they?
He looked around… Looked at me… and said: It’s dead around here man…
I think what he really meant was that he did find the quality of the women present at the bar at that time up to par with his expectations…
He closed his tab and paid the bartender, shook my hands and left…

He had come here to escape from his demons…! not to face them…!
He didn’t want to be alone and defenseless when the fear came… He wanted to be lost in a crowd…
He didn’t want to be a prey for his demons… So instead, he went out on a prowl… To find his own prey for the night!!!!

….

It was now some time past midnight…
I was driving back… Heading home…
Didn’t really want to go home… Not yet…

I was at the right freeway exit just at the right time…
Quickly-and rather carelessly and irresponsibly (I should add) I turned the wheel and took the car from the fast lane all the way to the off-ramp in one swift move…

As I went up the stairs of the nightclub and entered the noisy hall, I was greeted by the hostess…
She knows me well, and gave me a warm welcome hug…
She then took me to a corner and seated me at one of the “reserved” bottle-service booths… No charge of course…
I sat down and ordered my usual… A martini and a cup of coffee with cream and sugar… I know… A lot of people find that to be an odd and peculiar combination…

I had the whole area to myself… A large couch, a love seat, and a coffee table…
I needed a cigarette… And knowing that unlike the bar, my seat here was safe, I got up and went to the balcony/patio…
The place was packed… So being out in the open and getting fresh air was nice… As soon as this sensation came to me, I realized how dumb it sounded… Enjoying fresh air? When I was just about to stuff my lungs with cigarette smoke?!!!

Anyway… I lit a cigarette and started to talk to one of the members of the live band who was out there on a smoking break when someone tapped me on the shoulder from behind…
I turned around and saw a petite woman… Attractive... Wearing designer jeans, high heels, a sexy and revealing silvery blouse, and a short leather jacket over it…

Can I bum a smoke off of you? She asked.
Sure… I replied… Reaching into my side pocket…

Before I knew it… We had smoked two cigarettes back to back…

Sorry I’m smoking all your cigarettes… My husband just went downstairs to get me some…
No problem… When I run out, I’ll hit your stash. I replied….

The good husband returned triumphant… She introduced me to him… We shook hands…
He was a big guy… An ex-jock… With a bad shoulder…. Courtesy of college football…

She started fidgeting and playing with the back of her shoe straps…
My feet are killing me… I’ve been standing and dancing all night… I wish I could just take these off and walk barefoot… She said…
But honey… You’ll get stepped over… this place is packed with half-drunken people… The husband replied considerately…

Ok… I’ll take the bait… I thought to myself… And invited them to join me in my nice little corner…

Ahhhh… You are such a sweetie…. She uttered…
Thanks man… You’re cool… The husband said while giving me a manly pat on the shoulder as we walked back in…

…

This was supposed to be a special night for the two of them… The moon and the stars were in perfect alignment this evening…!!! And they were able to finally leave the kids with a reliable babysitter for a night about town… To “just spend time together” as they said in harmony…

They asked me if I had children…
No I don’t…. I replied.
You are so lucky… They said, as they went on to take turns telling me about the horrors of parenthood, and how good they had it before they became parents…!!!

They weren’t bad people… or bad parents for that matter… They were just tired… And needed to reclaim just a small part of their individuality and freedom…. Even if it was for just a short while…

While I was engaged in this rather uninteresting conversation… Kicking myself for having invited them over… Things got worst… Another couple… Who were standing next to our area and had overheard this delightful conversation chimed in… Echoing the sentiments and sharing their own version of post-millennium parenthood….!!!

All I could hear in my head was: “If you don't like children, who then forced you to have them? We take lessons for everything... golf, piano, our professions, ... But for the most important task and responsibility of all (having and raising children), no training, no pre-qualification, and no certification is required!!! How sad is that?”...

So... Before I knew it, this second couple occupied the love seat… Talking to their evil twins… With me sitting right in the middle…

What Fun!!!

I grabbed my drink and stood up… Excused myself and went back to the patio….

When I returned…
My area was empty…
The two couple had gone back to the dance floor…
I took a breath of relief…

But my joy was short lived…
She came back…. Dragging her husband behind her like a two-year-old…. Huffing and puffing from the heat…

They sat back down…
The husband bought a round of drinks for all of us… As a gesture of appreciation…
We (the husband and I) started talking about business, economy and related politics… And I was beginning to enjoy the debate he and I were engaged in… Friendly… But completely opposing views on EVERY SINGLE THING…!!!
She was clearly annoyed…
And tried to jump into the conversation and to change the subject to something “she” was interested in a few times… But her husband and I had our heels dug in… Gloves on… And were going at it… No luck for the poor woman…
This went on for a while… And by while… I mean she went out and smoked at least a half a pack before her husband and I declared cease fire and ended our friendly debate…
Agreeing to disagree…

I guess the husband realized that he had neglected her…
Actually…
From the look on her face… It was hard not to notice…
He took her back to the dance floor… And this time… They stayed there for a long time…

I was getting ready to close my tab and leave…
Went out on to the patio for one last cigarette…
A few seconds later…
She came out on the patio, and walked straight towards me…
Cigarette in hand…

She looked straight into my eyes… Grabbed the lapel of my jacket and drew me close to her…

I could smell the alcohol on her breath… Sweet perfume and the stench of booze… What a lovely combination… Someone should bottle it and call it the “Nightclub”-an exotic perfume for the sophisticated woman who knows how to have fun…!!!!

You’re fuckin’ hot!… Why are you here alone?... She asked…

I didn’t have an answer…
Or…
I should say…
I didn’t want to answer her…
All I wanted was her hands off of me… and her back in her own personal space and out of mine…
So, I gently grabbed her wrist and moved her hand to her side and left it there while skillfully inching backwards…
She ceased the moment and lit another cigarette using the flame of the old one and then flicked it off the balcony…

Her husband joined us…
Where have you been? I’ve been looking all over the place for you… He said.
I’ve been out here… She replied… Clearly and obviously annoyed…

I could tell that stormy weathers were ahead… The tension was brewing, and I needed to find a shelter away from these two…
And as it turned out… I was right…
They started arguing…

Why do you have to be such an attention whore all the time? He asked her… Not caring who was around to hear…
What are you talking about? She replied…
I am talking about how your tits kept falling out of your fuckin’ blouse when we were dancing…
She shook her head… That was an accident… She replied…
Accident my ass… It happens every fuckin’ time…

By now I had managed to walk away and could no longer hear the conversation…. Didn’t want to either…
My martini glass was empty… So I went back in to grab my coffee…

By the time I got back on the patio… I could hear them arguing and shouting at each other downstairs in the street…

The “special’ night out for the couple… Had turned into a nightmare…
They came to be “alone” together…
And left ALONE and LONELY…

He would probably sleep on the couch…
And she… Would most likely cry herself to sleep after throwing up in the bathroom for half an hour…!!!!

...

As I was finally driving home…
With the top down…
And with the cold autumn air running through my hair…
I remembered that I once read that loneliness is the most painful thing that a human can be subjected to!!!…
Whether you are a man at his golden years… Passing empty and lonely hours by re-living the past… Whether you are an inspiring musician who wishes to be lost in the sea of strangers just to avoid facing his fears…
Or a couple who live lonely and unfulfilled lives despite the fact that they live under the same roof…
We all, FEAR loneliness…
Even those who proudly claim to utterly enjoy being by themselves… Simply lie!!!… Being lonely… is indeed their sheepish and depressed way of dealing with LONELINESS !!!

We are all isolated islands in the vast sea of life…
The only things that connect us… Are the waves that wash upon our shores…

….

All in all…
I had a good night…
I went out to read a book… Which I barely got through….
And…
Came home having read three other books…
Those of the toy maker, the musician, and the chain-smoking wife!!!