It takes less than death to kill a man!

It is said over and over that when one faces her/his own mortality, she/he finds a new perspective on life… We read it in books, see it in movies, and hear it in songs…

Having had this experience firsthand myself (about 18 years ago, I became very ill and ended up in an ICU where my team of physicians-having completely lost all hope-gave me only 24 to 48 hours to live), I have to confess that prior to, during, or after my miraculous recovery, I had no epiphany, no new stance or position on life, nor did my outlook on life or how to live it changed one damn bit!…

Maybe I was far too shallow to recognize it… Or, maybe, I was far too damaged physically and mentally at the time that I was simply incapable of fully grasping what had just happened to me…

It wasn’t until the passing of my father after a long and arduous battle with cancer, that I began to question my own mortality and even more so my own existence!!!...

Don’t get me wrong, I am not at all afraid of dying… After all, death is as real and as inevitable as birth itself… So, there is absolutely no sense fighting or denying it… I am however, terrified of HOW I am going to die… And the irony here is that by chain-smoking, drinking obscene amounts of coffee and by not eating right, I am, in a very direct way, shaping (or at the very least increasing the chances) of my own demise in the most possible terrifying fashion!...

But this tendency to self destruct is another topic altogether; and perhaps I’ll write about it in the future…

Let’s get back to the journey than began with my father’s death…

As I saw his lifeless body lying in the mortuary… and as I kissed his cold and lifeless forehead for one last time, the line between life and death blurred…
As I sat in the car… Following the hearse that was carrying my father’s body to the crematory, with my brother driving and me sitting in the passenger seat, quietly crying… I knew right there and then that my life was about to change!…
I knew that everything that I had built around me, or was built for me (by my parent, teachers, peers, lovers, and the society as a whole) to keep me safe and secure was about to collapse… The walls that for decades had seemed impenetrable were now nothing but a façade made of cheap cardboard!...

So, as expected, I began the ritual of taking stock of my own life thus far…

I went to all the schools I was told I should attend…
I strived for, and received the grades and honors that I was expected and told to receive…
I had begun a career in the direction and in the manner which was expected of me…
I climbed the corporate ladder even faster than what was expected of me…
I had read the books I was told to read…
I had traveled to foreign lands and had visited most of the cities and the sites that I was told I should have visited (in the exact same manner that everyone else before me and after me visited them)…
I bought houses and decorated them the way others would find them elegant, beautiful and worthy of my status and ranking within the society…
Fast cars… Fast boats… Cool toys…
All in all, I had accumulated enough success and wealth to be the envy of many…

So, quite proudly, I asked myself: “Are you happy?”

Finding the answer took some time and a lot of soul searching… And I was astonished that I could not readily answer it with an emphatic “YES”!

Like almost everyone else whom I knew and looked up to, I had built a life based on a pre-determined “template”!

Take a moment… And examine this “template” theory for yourselves as it applies to your own lives… Look at the rules of engagement, protocols, norms, values, and the codes of conduct we abide by, apply and follow in almost every aspect of our lives every single moment of our existence… Friendship, Family, Work, School, Church, Children, Marriage, etc …

Everything and everything is based on some pre-determined and generally accepted “template”… And we, happily build our lives this way and live sound, secure and content within the walls that we create….

We do so, to be accepted and loved by others (rather than being labeled as an outcast, failure, oddball, etc.), to simply function and to survive within a society (after all, who gives and oddball a job, or who will let a crazy loser date their daughter or son?), and most importantly, we do so, because this conformity and achieving to match the design of the template perfectly makes us look and feel accomplished and strong, where in fact, we do so because we are weak and insecure!!!

SIDE NOTE: Now… Before you go off cursing me and labeling me as one who tries to be cool and hip by denouncing all that is holly, let me say two things:
1. These templates are useful and of some utility because they give us a common frame of reference, and allow us to relate to and to interact with each other from common perspectives, BUT, in my opinion, we have taken them too far and have become slaves to them.
2. Here, I am taking stock of MY life and am expressing MY thoughts and MY views… So these observations are neither correct nor incorrect, neither true nor false, they are, simply, how I think and what I believe to be true about ME…

Although this journey of self discovery began with my father’s death, it has taken many years for me to reach the point I am at today… And the journey is by far, not yet over… Perhaps, it will never be…

But, in my Father’s death I saw a simple truth: A man can die while he is still ALIVE!!!

And I, was such a man…

Are you happy? I asked myself over and over…
The answer…
NO!

I had everything anyone could ask for…

Why was it then that I was not HAPPY?
Was my desire too insatiable?

Was I greedily ravenous?
Or, was I awakening to a secret truth about life and happiness?

I still cannot answer these questions fully and with complete and absolute conclusively… As the storm within is still brewing… But what I have found out about myself and my life so far is that I was indeed unhappy!

I was unhappy because my heart was empty…
I was unhappy because in the pursuit of happiness I had created a "prison" for myself!!!…
I wanted to see the world as it really is, and not as we have been told it should be!!!…
I needed to allow myself the freedom to experience everything in life in its pure form and with high intensity (and no, get your mind out of the gutter, I don’t mean this as an excuse to justify sleeping around)…

The answers, I suppose, depend entirely on the view and the perspective of the observer… Recently, a person whom I hold very dear in my heart criticized me rather harshly; and among all the criticisms, the following stood out the most:

“….You see, you don't really appreciate the ones who love u dearly for who you really are.... you take advantage of their love and affection for you by thinking that they are always there no matter what... and in the process of doing that, hurting the ones who are close to you and love you unconditionally!... … YOU should find out what you really want…!!!”

Although I do not necessarily hold the entire criticism to be true, I do regretfully agree that in order for me to allow myself the freedom to step out of the conventional "templates", I do have to pay a rather sumptuous price!

What is it that we ALL really need and want?
Ultimately, we all want our hearts to be filled with love…
We want to love and we want to be loved…

What I struggle with now… Is the fact that if I find myself unhappy, I will not be capable of loving… And in order to pursue true happiness, I will have to step foot out of the bounds of certain “templates” that happen to be the foundations of other people’s reality and entire value system!!!!

Self Discovery

As I look back and reflect, I can distinctly separate my life so far in stages (in terms of my relationship with the “self within”).
As a teenager, I hurried to become and be an adult… And, as a young adult, I hurried and “raced” to achieve as much as I could-in terms of my career and my professional life-in the shortest amount of time possible…

It was not until my thirties when my “true journey of self discovery” began…

I suppose having come to the finish line faster than even I had expected, granted me the luxury to take a bit of time and to take a closer look at the “inventory” of what I had collected thus far in my soul…

…

I walk into the space where I keep my art supplies…
I look around and see all the blank canvases that are stacked up against the wall… Waiting to accept whatever destiny I have in mind for them…
Although these blank canvases vary in shape and size, they all have one thing in common… They are pure, untainted, blank, OPEN, and filled with infinite possibilities…

As children...
We not only see the world around us as such empty canvases, but we also possess souls with the same properties as I described… Pure, untainted, blank, OPEN, and filled with infinite possibilities…
As we grow and mature-at least for the vast majority-the empty canvas of WHO we are is slowly, but consistently impacted and manipulated by us in reaction to the environment that surrounds us… Affected by our parents, peers, the culture that we are born into, religion, society, our position within the society from a socio-economic perspective, our education, husbands, wives, children, etc.
In most cases, the endless and infinite world of possibilities, gives way to limits and boundaries created not necessarily by us, rather a collection of what our environment has marked as “acceptable boundaries”… “SAFE boundaries”…

Dreaming, then, is usually frowned upon and is mistakenly confused with irresponsibility!

Our boldness and sense of adventure become chained and bound by FEARS and cautiousness… After all, the more you achieve and accumulate, the more you have to lose!!! And thus, the desire for a sense of security creeps up on you and before you know it the infinite world you saw as a child becomes a very confined-yet comfortable-space!!!...

Now… before you decide that you disagree with me, let me say that what I have described is not absolute, neither does it appear in the same shape and form and degree of intensity for everyone. But I stand firm behind my hypothesis that it DOES happen to every single one us in some varying degree.

One can argue-quite successfully I might add-that all of this is part of the process of our maturity… And like wine, we become finer and finer with age, although in order to do so, the wine needs to be kept (trapped) in a bottle, corked and sealed!!!

I do not necessarily disagree with this notion...

What I am concerned about is HAPPINESS!!!

If you ask people whether they are happy, most of them-almost automatically-will answer you with a “yes”.

Then you ask them what makes them happy? And they will tell you that they would love to travel and see the world… Learn how to play a musical instrument… Spend all of their time gardening…. (You get the picture…)
Then you ask: Well, how much traveling are you doing?
None at the moment…
Why?
Well, I have to work and only get two weeks a year... and with the kids’ school we can’t just get up and leave any time we want…. And the list of excuses goes on and on…

So, then you think to yourself that this person is living a complete lie!!!

She/he knows what makes her/him happy, but cannot attain or realize them, and yet still claims to be happy!!!

Happy with WHAT then?

Some of you… by now… are saying to yourselves: Great… Here comes another eccentric and irresponsible artist criticizing us, the way we live, and how the entire world operates simply because he is trying to justify his own lifestyle and unconventional choices!...

If you are one of those, then go back and read this article from the very beginning again! You have completely missed the point.

…

Am I happy?

Was the question that I asked myself when I celebrated my 30th birthday; and have been asking that question ever since!!!...

I may be aging into a fine wine; and that is all well and good… But damn it… I am trapped in this dark and confound bottle!!!!

Am I happy?

Can I break the bottle without spilling the wine or spoiling it?!!!!

…

The answer to this question, to me, now at this stage in my life is an emphatic and ardent YES!!!

You can indeed break the bottle and still preserve the wine…

But how?...

…

As I said at the very beginning, I rushed and fast-forwarded through childhood and young adulthood to get to my plans and goals as early as I possibly could… And I am not regretful, for I have done quite well for myself…

But…
Somewhere…
In the process…
The meaning of happiness changed!!!… And I became one of those people who say and think they are happy, but in reality are as far from it as one can be by simply changing the priority and the order of what makes them happy…

Freedom is replaced by job security…

Hunger and lust for life are replaced by artificial contentment because it is simply too risky and you have too much to lose!

…

We have all read, heard, or been told about the cliché of getting in touch with the child within…

I am neither affirming it nor rejecting it…

But I say go even farther!!!

To abandon the baggage of rules, expectations, fears, artificial responsibilities-that are nothing but sheepish excuses we create for ourselves, I say, LOSE YOURSELF…

Instead of continuing to try to find ourselves and what makes us happy within the confines of rules, expectations (our own as well as that of others)… I say… LOSE YOURSELF…

Abandon what you believe to be absolute and impossible to change…

Abandon who you think you should be… Who you have been conditioned and taught to be… And look for who you WANT to be…

Shed all the filters that we have progressively been told to place in front of our own eyes to see the world…

See the world not as a limited selection of choices, but rather, as infinite…

Lose yourself…

And I assure you…
That on the other end of this journey…
Is the sweet re-discovery of who we are, what makes us happy, and how to pursue that happiness…!!!

I say…
That in the road of self discovery and enlightenment, the “bottle” can indeed be broken and the sweet wine will NOT spill or spoil…!!!

With that, I give you my latest painting… “Self Discovery”!

The toy maker, the musician, and the chain-smoking wife!

I sat at my usual corner table outside of my favorite trendy coffee shop...
Sipping the delightful coffee, puffing on my cigarette, and reading a book…
It was a Friday afternoon…
And at 6:30 pm-in this time of the year-it was already dark and felt more like 9:00…
The place was getting increasingly crowded as the Friday-night crowds were beginning their end-of-the-week ritual…
To officially mark the end of the work week…
To go on “the” date they have been excitedly and anxiously awaiting all week, Or to simply go out on the prowl… looking for possibilities!
I rather enjoyed this particular book, and didn’t pay much attention to the passing crowd… They were just blurred shapes and colors… Much like how a picture turns out if you take a snapshot of the sidewalk when driving by in a fast moving car…
As I took my eyes off the page…
Only for a moment…
To put out my cigarette…
From the corner of my eyes I saw him looking at me with a childlike curiosity in his eyes…
I looked up at him and gave a polite smile…
And as soon as I returned my gaze back to the page, trying to find the line I stopped reading at… He said: “a guy like you should be walking around this place with a couple of these young beautiful women at your arms… Book reading is for an old fart like me…”.
I gave another polite smile, and tried to mumble something in response… But he wasn’t waiting for my response… He continued after a very short pause: “what I wouldn’t give to be your age”…
I slid the bookmark between the pages I was reading and set the book down… Now paying full attention to him…
I’m not that young. I said…
Young enough. He replied…
What would you do besides walking around with two beautiful women at your arms? I asked with a smirk…
Why on earth would I do anything else? He replied with a guttural laugh…
Touché… I said to him… Acknowledging having asked a stupid question!
...
You look like… what’s his name… the actor… He struggled for the name…
I know… I get that a lot… I didn’t wait for him to complete his memory archival search…
Are you in the business?
No. I replied… Assuming that he meant the “entertainment industry”…
What do you do?
I don’t know why… But I often find it awkward to answer that question… Maybe it’s because saying that I am an executive in a telecom software company is a mouthful of fluff that many people won’t understand it any way… It is certainly not like saying I am a cop, a dentist, a lawyer, or a carpenter…
I explained any way…
Hmm… he said… You don’t look it… Most of those guys are stuffy, empty old “suits”….
I laughed… He was right!
What do you do? I asked…
Oh, I’m retired…
What did you do before you retired?
I was a toy maker…

Now that’s a kind of answer you don’t hear very often… I thought to myself (as all kinds of vivid images and questions rushed into my mind)…
He must have seen that in my expression… Without invitation… He collected his coffee, abandoned his table and walked towards mine…
Do you mind? He asked as he pulled a chair across from me…
Not at all… Please… I replied… welcoming him to join me…

My name is Jim… He said as he extended his hand to shake mine…
His hand felt rough…
Bony fingers with bulging arthritic knuckles…
A hand that had seen hard times and had done hard work…
He was in his late seventies… I ventured to guess…
Looking at his tired old face, I could still easily see the young man that he once was…
As sunken deep in a sea of wrinkles, sat two sparkling eyes as that of an excited child… Bright and burning with the fire of life…
He spoke of his youth… His adolescent bar fights… His bodies… How he joined the Korean War, and the fact that the Korean "War" was not a war, but rather a U.N.-sponsored police action; and that it is more properly called the Korean Conflict!... And he wanted to ensure that I knew that it did not "end"! That is was more or less a permanent cease-fire…
He told me about his wife… Who was his high school sweetheart… A feisty little blond with freckles who had stolen his heart at the first glance… and how she waited for him to return from his tour of duty so that they could be married…
He told me about a toy shop they opened up together in a small town, selling the wooden toys that he himself made… And how, after twenty two years, his business grew to the point that he was receiving special orders from well known toy stores around the country…
How proud he was of the “real” toys he had made for children… “Not the plastic crap that you see these days….!” As her described it....
They never had any children of their own… And she had passed away five years ago after a lengthy and painful bout with liver cancer…
This reminded me of my father… Who died of the same ailment a few years back… How I saw the cancer eat at him until there was nothing left but skin and bones… How I kissed his cold and lifeless face for one last time as he lay in the mortuary… To say “goodbye”… Before he was cremated….
…
As I re-lived my own memories… Jim was still talking… I could hear his voice… but could not make out the words… I was preoccupied and so was he…
He didn’t need me to listen!!!
I could have been a six hundred pound pink gorilla sitting across a table from him for all he cared…
He just needed an excuse to bring back old memories…
To re-live them once more…
To use this recollection exercise to summon his bodies, navy pals, his beloved wife, his store, and his customers back to life… So that he would not be “ALONE” any more…!!! Even if for a short while…

Snap out of it…

I ordered myself…

And once again…

I engaged myself in my mostly one-way conversation with Jim…
I no longer had any interest in returning to the book I was reading…

As now, I was reading Jim’s “book”!…

The story of his life, experiences, dreams and hopes…
And…
Just as abruptly as he started his conversation with me, he ended it… He fell silent… We looked each other square in the eyes… And all that needed to be said and acknowledged was said and acknowledged…!!!
He was grateful for the opportunity to talk…
And I…

Now richer for having known him and his story…
We shook hands once again… Said our goodbyes, and parted ways…

…

Two hours had passed…
I was famished… And I needed a drink…
A short walking distance, and a few minutes later… I walked into a favorite restaurant of mine…

Circled the rather large bar area to find a seat…
Took a few minutes, but a spot opened up and I rushed in to grab it before anyone else in the crowd did…

What can I get you? The bartender asked…
Black and Tan… I replied…
This is another reason why I like this place so much…. I don’t have to explain what Black and Tan is… And I don’t have to deal with the disappointment of the establishment not serving it…

He came back quickly…

Six fifty… He said…

I give him my credit card…. Open a tab and bring me the menu… I asked.

Large screen TVs were showing football, basketball, golf and women’s soccer…

No interest in any of them…

I just looked at the screens… Looking passed them and through them… Like those weird 3-D posters that you are supposed to look through before the image pops out at you...

Sitting next to me…

Was a tall man in his late forties…

Handsome and hip…

Wearing a dark blue shirt with fancy stitching and embroidery on it… The same kind I wear most of the time these days…

He had a trendy hat on that covered his thick wavy blond hair…
He was going at his food with an admirable eagerness and gluttony… And he was drinking a Black and Tan!!!

I ordered my usual at this place…

And it arrived as soon as the bartender was done setting up the napkin and the silverware in front of me…
I tore the paper wrap and took out the wooden chopsticks… Rubbing them together to get rid of any splinters….

He looked at my food, and said: What is that? Some kind of an exotic vegetarian dessert?
I laughed…
No… It is a special dish they have only here…
What is it?
It’s a Spicy Tuna Roll…

I could see the inquisitive look on his face, and continued explaining…

It’s not like the kind you get in a Sushi place… It has no seaweed wrap and no rice… It is simply raw Spicy Tuna, with cucumbers, edamame, and exotic garnishes served in a bed of really hot wasabi…

An acquaintance of his stopped by…
They shook hands and exchanged dry pleasantries…
The friend walked away and brought his lovely trophy wife along… Typical South Orange County scene… She was at least fifteen years younger than him…
Pleasantries again…

After a few minutes they walked back to the other side of the bar…

Does your bracelet signify something or carry a special meaning? He asked…
Puzzled… I extended both arms toward him… Revealing 3 bracelets on my right wrist and one beaded bracelet on my left which I wear next to my watch…

Which one? I asked….

He smiled… And pointed to the beaded one…

No particular significance… Other than the fact that it looks good… I said…

Are you a musician? I asked…
Yes I am… How did you know?
Bingo!... I just love it when I can read people…!!!

Lucky guess… I said… Trying to hide my vanity and self indulgence…
What do you play? I asked of him…
I sing and I am percussionist… That’s not what I do for living… But I’ve been at it for a long time…

Somehow, I was not at all interested in finding out what he did for living… Something told me that the musician story was going to be far more interesting…

He went on to tell me about the house he was renting on the top of the hills facing the ocean… His Harley and the excursions he goes on with his buddies… We talked about Harley Girls and how most of them are just fat, sweaty mommas with cheaply done ink on their shoulder blades… And the “tramp stamps” that have no business being on their wide backs!...

We talked about local bars, and he was surprised that I didn’t know of many of the local hangouts…
I guess he had thought that I was “cooler” and “hipper”…!!!

He turned out to be a diver like me… Many people who live by the ocean are… And we exchanged diving stories… Each trying to top the other… In a competitive attempt to demonstrate our masculine superiority…!

...

Any record deals? I asked…
I must have struck just the right cord!!!
His eyes sparkled… He smiled… A smile filled with both pride and fear!!!!
He went on to say:
I’ve been at this for a long time man… I’ve played most of the top joints in LA… Rave, Whisky, you name it…
"We"… He then quickly rephrased… “I”, have a song that is guaranteed to be a hit… Even the folks at blah blah record company told me this… (I had already forgotten the famous record company’s name the minute it left his lips)… It has all the right stuff… the right song… the right lyrics… and the hook that is sure to make it an instant hit…
But they (the record company folks) want at least two more songs… They don’t want it to be just a hit single that gets forgotten soon… A one hit wonder…

The way he said “two more songs” sounded odd and strange to me… It sounded as though it would be easier for him to build the wall of China with bare hands than to write two more songs!!!…
Strange… I thought…
A seasoned musician with years and years of experience under his belt… Having lived the “dream” for most of his life, can’t write a couple of more songs?!...
Then I thought, maybe he was too close to success…

Too close to fulfilling the dream he has had since the first day he played with his buddies in his dad’s garage…!!!!

And the fear of failure, or more probable, the fear of success was stopping him from realizing what he had always wanted...

What he had come so close to...

And what was now almost at his grasp...

First it would be these two songs… Then he would have to write more… to remain popular and to be on top of the charts for ever… More songs… More songs…

The thought of climbing and clawing your way up all your life, only to stay at the top a short while after you reach it, is quite intimidating… !!!

People overcome the fear of failure much more effectively…

They just dive in and face the fear…

What do I have to lose? Many of us have asked ourselves that question, and by doing so have overcome deep rooted fears…

But not the fear of success…

That is a much more powerful demon that haunts many people!!!…
Indeed, fear of success is more of a common affliction than people realize…
There are a lot of smart people out there… and there are even more good ideas…
And the number one reason why success does not knock on EVERYONE’s door is the FEAR OF SUCCESS!!!
Seems counterintuitive and ironic, doesn’t it?

…

We both took big gulps out of our drinks to fill the awkward silence that his self reflection and my silent analysis had created at that very moment when one of his buddies tapped him on the shoulder…

They greeted and exchanged pleasantries in a common male ritual fashion…

Again…
I went back to enjoying my dinner…

A short while later, the friend left…
The musician once again engaged me in a conversation… But this time… Completely superficial…!!!
He had-in the course of his prior conversation with me-pushed himself far outside of his comfort zone… He had seen the demon, and didn’t want to battle him… not then… and not there…!!!
My friend… the guy who was just here… said that he was heading down to Hennessey’s… More than a hundred people are going to get together there… He said. And he asked me if I wanted to go down there and hang with them…
I don’t know why… but without even thinking about it… I said: There are more than hundred people here!!! Why go elsewhere? People are people… Aren’t they?
He looked around… Looked at me… and said: It’s dead around here man…
I think what he really meant was that he did find the quality of the women present at the bar at that time up to par with his expectations…
He closed his tab and paid the bartender, shook my hands and left…

He had come here to escape from his demons…! not to face them…!
He didn’t want to be alone and defenseless when the fear came… He wanted to be lost in a crowd…
He didn’t want to be a prey for his demons… So instead, he went out on a prowl… To find his own prey for the night!!!!

….

It was now some time past midnight…
I was driving back… Heading home…
Didn’t really want to go home… Not yet…

I was at the right freeway exit just at the right time…
Quickly-and rather carelessly and irresponsibly (I should add) I turned the wheel and took the car from the fast lane all the way to the off-ramp in one swift move…

As I went up the stairs of the nightclub and entered the noisy hall, I was greeted by the hostess…
She knows me well, and gave me a warm welcome hug…
She then took me to a corner and seated me at one of the “reserved” bottle-service booths… No charge of course…
I sat down and ordered my usual… A martini and a cup of coffee with cream and sugar… I know… A lot of people find that to be an odd and peculiar combination…

I had the whole area to myself… A large couch, a love seat, and a coffee table…
I needed a cigarette… And knowing that unlike the bar, my seat here was safe, I got up and went to the balcony/patio…
The place was packed… So being out in the open and getting fresh air was nice… As soon as this sensation came to me, I realized how dumb it sounded… Enjoying fresh air? When I was just about to stuff my lungs with cigarette smoke?!!!

Anyway… I lit a cigarette and started to talk to one of the members of the live band who was out there on a smoking break when someone tapped me on the shoulder from behind…
I turned around and saw a petite woman… Attractive... Wearing designer jeans, high heels, a sexy and revealing silvery blouse, and a short leather jacket over it…

Can I bum a smoke off of you? She asked.
Sure… I replied… Reaching into my side pocket…

Before I knew it… We had smoked two cigarettes back to back…

Sorry I’m smoking all your cigarettes… My husband just went downstairs to get me some…
No problem… When I run out, I’ll hit your stash. I replied….

The good husband returned triumphant… She introduced me to him… We shook hands…
He was a big guy… An ex-jock… With a bad shoulder…. Courtesy of college football…

She started fidgeting and playing with the back of her shoe straps…
My feet are killing me… I’ve been standing and dancing all night… I wish I could just take these off and walk barefoot… She said…
But honey… You’ll get stepped over… this place is packed with half-drunken people… The husband replied considerately…

Ok… I’ll take the bait… I thought to myself… And invited them to join me in my nice little corner…

Ahhhh… You are such a sweetie…. She uttered…
Thanks man… You’re cool… The husband said while giving me a manly pat on the shoulder as we walked back in…

…

This was supposed to be a special night for the two of them… The moon and the stars were in perfect alignment this evening…!!! And they were able to finally leave the kids with a reliable babysitter for a night about town… To “just spend time together” as they said in harmony…

They asked me if I had children…
No I don’t…. I replied.
You are so lucky… They said, as they went on to take turns telling me about the horrors of parenthood, and how good they had it before they became parents…!!!

They weren’t bad people… or bad parents for that matter… They were just tired… And needed to reclaim just a small part of their individuality and freedom…. Even if it was for just a short while…

While I was engaged in this rather uninteresting conversation… Kicking myself for having invited them over… Things got worst… Another couple… Who were standing next to our area and had overheard this delightful conversation chimed in… Echoing the sentiments and sharing their own version of post-millennium parenthood….!!!

All I could hear in my head was: “If you don't like children, who then forced you to have them? We take lessons for everything... golf, piano, our professions, ... But for the most important task and responsibility of all (having and raising children), no training, no pre-qualification, and no certification is required!!! How sad is that?”...

So... Before I knew it, this second couple occupied the love seat… Talking to their evil twins… With me sitting right in the middle…

What Fun!!!

I grabbed my drink and stood up… Excused myself and went back to the patio….

When I returned…
My area was empty…
The two couple had gone back to the dance floor…
I took a breath of relief…

But my joy was short lived…
She came back…. Dragging her husband behind her like a two-year-old…. Huffing and puffing from the heat…

They sat back down…
The husband bought a round of drinks for all of us… As a gesture of appreciation…
We (the husband and I) started talking about business, economy and related politics… And I was beginning to enjoy the debate he and I were engaged in… Friendly… But completely opposing views on EVERY SINGLE THING…!!!
She was clearly annoyed…
And tried to jump into the conversation and to change the subject to something “she” was interested in a few times… But her husband and I had our heels dug in… Gloves on… And were going at it… No luck for the poor woman…
This went on for a while… And by while… I mean she went out and smoked at least a half a pack before her husband and I declared cease fire and ended our friendly debate…
Agreeing to disagree…

I guess the husband realized that he had neglected her…
Actually…
From the look on her face… It was hard not to notice…
He took her back to the dance floor… And this time… They stayed there for a long time…

I was getting ready to close my tab and leave…
Went out on to the patio for one last cigarette…
A few seconds later…
She came out on the patio, and walked straight towards me…
Cigarette in hand…

She looked straight into my eyes… Grabbed the lapel of my jacket and drew me close to her…

I could smell the alcohol on her breath… Sweet perfume and the stench of booze… What a lovely combination… Someone should bottle it and call it the “Nightclub”-an exotic perfume for the sophisticated woman who knows how to have fun…!!!!

You’re fuckin’ hot!… Why are you here alone?... She asked…

I didn’t have an answer…
Or…
I should say…
I didn’t want to answer her…
All I wanted was her hands off of me… and her back in her own personal space and out of mine…
So, I gently grabbed her wrist and moved her hand to her side and left it there while skillfully inching backwards…
She ceased the moment and lit another cigarette using the flame of the old one and then flicked it off the balcony…

Her husband joined us…
Where have you been? I’ve been looking all over the place for you… He said.
I’ve been out here… She replied… Clearly and obviously annoyed…

I could tell that stormy weathers were ahead… The tension was brewing, and I needed to find a shelter away from these two…
And as it turned out… I was right…
They started arguing…

Why do you have to be such an attention whore all the time? He asked her… Not caring who was around to hear…
What are you talking about? She replied…
I am talking about how your tits kept falling out of your fuckin’ blouse when we were dancing…
She shook her head… That was an accident… She replied…
Accident my ass… It happens every fuckin’ time…

By now I had managed to walk away and could no longer hear the conversation…. Didn’t want to either…
My martini glass was empty… So I went back in to grab my coffee…

By the time I got back on the patio… I could hear them arguing and shouting at each other downstairs in the street…

The “special’ night out for the couple… Had turned into a nightmare…
They came to be “alone” together…
And left ALONE and LONELY…

He would probably sleep on the couch…
And she… Would most likely cry herself to sleep after throwing up in the bathroom for half an hour…!!!!

...

As I was finally driving home…
With the top down…
And with the cold autumn air running through my hair…
I remembered that I once read that loneliness is the most painful thing that a human can be subjected to!!!…
Whether you are a man at his golden years… Passing empty and lonely hours by re-living the past… Whether you are an inspiring musician who wishes to be lost in the sea of strangers just to avoid facing his fears…
Or a couple who live lonely and unfulfilled lives despite the fact that they live under the same roof…
We all, FEAR loneliness…
Even those who proudly claim to utterly enjoy being by themselves… Simply lie!!!… Being lonely… is indeed their sheepish and depressed way of dealing with LONELINESS !!!

We are all isolated islands in the vast sea of life…
The only things that connect us… Are the waves that wash upon our shores…

….

All in all…
I had a good night…
I went out to read a book… Which I barely got through….
And…
Came home having read three other books…
Those of the toy maker, the musician, and the chain-smoking wife!!!

The LIFE in your years

Seven thousand, or seven miles…
Paved with tears and paved with smiles…

Soaring heights, arcane depths…
The road of life, beneath my steps…

This wondrous road, we travel fast…
Too little time, the scenery vast….

From, and to on others, we give and take…
This conventional pattern, we hardly break…

Along this road, we slave and save…
To leave it all for a darkened grave!…

All in all, and in the end…
Know this secret my cherished friend…

What counts in your life, is not the YEARS…
It is rather, the LIFE in your years!!!…

A Confession...

It’s 2:30 in the morning, no one in sight…
Sitting in a corner, I’m filled with fright…

My heart is heavy, confess I must…
To you, and to myself, I have to be just…

Far too eager, in your eyes, I appear aloof, distant and cold…
In truth, it took all that I could muster to be so bold…

Inside, I am as broken as you…
Not knowing what to think, say, or do…

Life goes on, as usual, and with the same speed…
Keeping pace, now, is much harder indeed…

For you, what I had to do, I did…
Vanity, egotism and selfishness, I forbid…

I hope someday, clearly, you will see…
How it broke my heart to set you free…!

CHOICES

Prelude

I am often criticized for not describing the meaning of my paintings or the thoughts and ideas that occupied my mind at the time, leading to the creation of a certain piece!

My answer, has always been that whether I am writing or painting, an image or a thought pattern comes to me and remains center-stage on my mind’s eye; and the only way I can clear my mind is to bring that image or thought pattern into life...

I refuse to dilute or influence the reader/viewer's mind by sharing what a piece means to me, simply because I want her/him to see the painting or read the poem/story with her/his own eye and based on her/his perceptions...

I want to provoke thought, not "direct" it!

The beautiful fact is that each observer will draw a completely different inference, see beauty or ugliness, truth or fiction, and reach a vastly varying conclusion independently. And that, gives my work more than one dimension!

Today, however, I am breaking my own rule...

Although, I will not describe every detail of this piece and what it means to me, I will share the underlying premise.

The reason I am doing so, is because "I have something to say"!!!

-------------------------------------------------

The "duality of things" has not only been a great source of fascination for me throughout my life, but it has been a cornerstone of creative thought throughout the ages.

The best and most recognizable of all is the YIN- YANG symbol which represents the ancient Chinese understanding of how things work. The outer circle represents "everything", while the black and white shapes within the circle represent the interaction of two energies, called "yin" (black) and "yang" (white), which cause everything to happen. They are not completely black or white, just as things in life are not completely black or white, and they cannot exist without each other. While "yin" would be dark, passive, downward, cold, contracting, and weak, "yang" would be bright, active, upward, hot, expanding, and strong. The shape of the yin and yang sections of the symbol, actually gives you a sense of the continual movement of these two energies, yin to yang and yang to yin, causing everything to happen: just as things expand and contract, and temperature changes from hot to cold…

The eternal struggle between good and evil within all of us...

The beauty and the contrasting ugliness that our eyes and minds judge in every single thing every waking moment...

Success versus failure....

Happiness and contentment versus sadness and unfulfilled dreams...

And…

For those among us who are religious, heaven and hell...

If you know me, you are well aware that I am as far as one can possibly get from being religious...

And if you have read my work, you already know that I strongly believe that:

• Our heaven and hell are here and now.
• The choices we make, dictate the lives we lead (there is no such thing as god's will or faith).
• The universe is NOT one dimensional!!! In fact, there is an infinite number of universes that exist simultaneously and in parallel!!! With every single choice, we shift from one parallel universe to another. And furthermore, the collection of our individual choices, cause our individual universes to cross, thus creating the reality of our day-to-day lives and shaping our interactions and relationships!!!

So, the YIN-YANG, and the duality of things in life, are both the "cause" of the choices we make in life (by giving us opposing options), and the "effect" of the choices we make (which parallel universe continuum we select)!!!!

The universe, then, becomes a collection of infinite parallel circles, chaotic and yet extremely organized!!!

In this line of thought, everything is summed in "CHOICE"!!!

Which door to select?...

To open doors or to keep them shut?...

So, the goal is not necessarily to make the "right" choice!!!

Rather, the goal is to make choices in a way that one would not regret making them down the road!!!

What is the difference? You ask?

Let me explain:

I am confident in saying-with a very high degree of certainty-that we have all made choices (with our hearts) when our brains clearly foretold and cautioned us that the end result would be illogical, and that the outcome would be less than desirable or far from optimum...!

We fall in love...

And let its river of emotions sweep us away...

We may know at the time that what we are doing is far from reality and logic...

We may know that the final outcome will not be, or cannot be what we desire....

But we do so regardless...

The passion, too addictive...

The temptation, far greater than our sense of reason...

Our hearts filled with opiates of excitement & passion, we live for that moment...

Intoxicated, we let go, lose grip and willingly "go for the ride"...

Some may call this an example of foolishness...

Some, control their desires more strictly than others...

But I submit to you that those people who choose not to open the door-although logical and correct-"live far less” than those who do!!!

It is, once again, a matter of CHOICE!!!

Do we resist the temptation of falling in love (in this example), and as such, miss out on all that could be? Just out of the fear of a possibility of a bitter end?

Or do we dive in boldly, and LIVE and experience all the wonderful offerings of this forbidden fruit?

Still sounds foolish and irresponsible?

Maybe...

But who says that we should always be logical and responsible?

Who says what is responsible and what is not?

The definition of responsibility depends entirely on each individual’s perspective and value system!

Do we "do right" by ourselves by following the conventions set by the majority? Or do we deny ourselves from possibilities that the majority cannot foresee or foretell?

Every single one of us answers these questions in a different and unique way...

We make our own unique "choices"!!!

And that is exactly what makes this life so exhilarating and beautiful!!!

Life, indeed, is not a destination...!!!

It is, rather, a journey...!!!

Beginnings are always scary...

The endings are always sad...

But…

It is the middle part that counts...

Follow your heart...

And live life without regrets...

With that, I give you "CHOICES", my latest painting.

I have not forgotten!!!

Together, and yet so far apart you and I…
In love still, but we struggle you and I…
Hearts filled with love and yet broken…
The silence deafening, so much left unspoken…

Building walls against it all to shelter…
Our deeds pragmatic, fearful not to falter…
Denying the heart, just to survive…
Against a love that cries to thrive…

Life goes on empty and cold…
Fearful as ever, and yet so bold…
Our wings broken, incapable of flight…
With memories we live each day and night…

Through it all, wrong or right…
A flame burns still, ever so bright…
A confession, left unspoken…
Despite of it all, I have not forgotten!!!

How I trembled when you were near…
How my aim was so clear…
How your hand felt in mine…
How a kiss was so divine…
How it felt when we embraced…
How my claim on you I traced…
How complete you made me feel…
How those dreams we made so real…

Of us, who knows what will become…
No one can foretell, the future to come…
Although, wrong or right, I cannot distinguish…
Your love, I know, I won’t relinquish…

Forever dissolved within my blood…
I surrender to this overwhelming flood…
As long as blood flows in these veins…
Yours, my heart forever remains…

Our future austere, or at least uncertain….
Despite of it all, my beloved, “I have not forgotten”!!!

A nation reclaiming itself...

Neda’s youthful life was cut short by a sniper’s bullet; but it has certainly not perished in vain…

She is now a powerful symbol and a sacrificial offering to a much higher purpose. Her name, the captured last moments of her life, and her bloody image now fuel the raging flame of freedom that had been secretly and quietly burning for the last three decades!

Like most other expatriates, I have been following the recent developments in Iran carefully and continuously with mounting concern. The images that I have seen and continue to see bear a striking resemblance to what I witnessed as a young teenager during the revolution…

Many analysts, political columnists and experts, and even many people in general-including some of the people who are participating in the demonstrations in Iran and abroad-believe that this uprising is caused by the questionable results of the recent election. To me, the election, Mousavi and his promise, and the embarrassingly botched election results are not the root causes or the underlying reasons at all (no matter what the placards and the chants say). Rather, I consider them consequential, ensuing and secondary! It is really, just an excuse as any other reason could have ignited this flame!
What is and has been occurring in the streets of Tehran and many other major cities in Iran is a natural social reaction to decades of suppression. Just as a pressure cooker that has its valve shut off has the propensity to explode, and in the same fashion as a volcano erupts as a natural and physical reaction to the building and mounting internal pressures, the phenomenon that we are witnessing today is too a natural and inevitable reaction. It doesn’t matter what causes the rupture; when there is enough pentup pressure, the explosion is an inevitable fact.

Up until now, and throughout its rein, the hard-line fundamentalist regime has been able to manage this pressure cooker called Iran quite skillfully and masterfully! Iran’s majority of population is young; and the régime used the needs of the youth to keep them distracted. The way they dress has been controlled, the way they interact has been controlled, how/whether they socialized has been controlled, even their instinctual sexual drives have been controlled; and since it is human nature to want what it cannot have, the population focused on the most apparent and superficial freedoms that were taken away! The régime loosened the tight dress code for men and women every once in a while and let them blow off some steam by violating those strict codes-only for a little while before it tightened the reins again… They let people flood the streets after a major sporting victory and tolerated boys and girls dancing in the streets for a couple of days before they came back and enforced their religion-based fundamentalist social rules with more rigor than before…
These all were measured, calculated and perfectly executed strategies to (a) defocus the population from things that really mattered, and (b) to let them blow off steam every once in a while to keep the pressure cooker under control...

So, why is it that this strategy is no longer effective? Why are hundreds of thousands of people demonstrating in the streets now? Why now?

In your writer’s humble opinion, the following are the reasons for the regime’s recent failure to maintain order and control:
· Today’s younger generation in Iran is vastly different than the first generation raised after the revolution. Children of the revolution were exposed to nothing but fanatic hard-core propaganda. They were born on the cusp of a significant culture change; and did not have any other frame of reference or perspective to compare themselves and their lives to. The generation before them, traveled abroad and lived in a culture (at least in major cities) that was highly influenced by the western culture. Thanks to the current regime, most of that generation either fled (like I did), died in the war with Iraq, or simply become complacent, withered and died! But the generation that came after them (today’s youth) was born in the open communication age. No matter how much control was placed on western or modern cultures’ seepage, the advent of modern technology (internet, social networks, etc) remained one step ahead. This generation’s eyes were much more open to what life “could be” and to the freedoms and rights they didn’t even know they “could have”!
· Just like any other political, economic, social or cultural control. The efficiency is at its peak when the controlling party first gains power. Its leaders are “united” in their goals and efforts, and they are humble and cautious. Today, after more than three decades, arrogance and greed are at their peak. The regime is fragmented and power-plays, political maneuvering and posturing are more prominent and open than they were in the past (imagine a pack of wolves that have hunted everything in sight, and now have to turn into cannibalism to survive). This is exactly what causes a weak point in the frame of the pressure cooker and makes it susceptible to fracture followed by an inevitable explosion.
· Some will strongly agree with me on this one and some will disagree with the same fervor! Up until now, this regime and its policies and actions (forget about the anti-American rhetoric and antics of the regime for a minute) have served the West’s interest. The serious threat of Iran turning into a socialist or communist country after the revolution was most effectively and almost immediately eliminated after the revolution by the fundamentalists. The regime’s obsessive characteristic to “export” their ideology and power to the neighboring countries kept the Arab world terrified and occupied, and “redirected” their energies to their backyard and what was happening between Iran and Iraq and away from their common anti-Israel sentiments. The war depleted not only military arsenals in the two most volatile countries in the region (Iran and Iraq), but also destroyed factories, refineries, roads, damns, etc, opening up astronomical economic opportunities for the west (directly and indirectly). Now that those missions are long accomplished, the major issue at hand is the stability of the region and successful exit of U.S. from Iraq (a major “must-win” for the current administration). U.S. cannot abandon Iraq with a dangerous and power-hungry neighbor like Iran’s current regime as they are already spending money and supporting the chaos in Iraq! And this threat must be quelled before U.S. can withdraw!


Whether you agree with me or not, I urge you to read on because the key message here is not my political analysis of international affairs. What I am about to share with you is what is of utmost importance. It is what we all need to be aware of and act on to ensure that the blood of Neda and others like her were not shed in vain.

I remember the revolution in Iran vividly. Before it was labeled the “Islamic Revolution”, it was an uprising of people (of all social and religious beliefs–socialists, communists, liberals, fundamentalists, Muslims, Christians, Jews, Baha’is, etc.) who wanted nothing but “equity” in a society which was highly polarized between the very small minority of “HAVEs” and a large majority of “HAVE-NOTs”, the highly educated, and those still struggling with superstitions and beliefs of dark ages.
Without going into too much history and detail, the best way I can describe it is that the “revolution was stolen” from the people of Iran. Those who would take advantage of the uneducated and poor later on, encouraged all parties and all factions to join forces and to focus on overthrowing the Shah and the success of the revolution. They skillfully united all, and reaped the benefit of blood that was shed. But at the end, when the task at hand was completed, the fundamentalists literally and overnight “disposed” of anyone with ideologies different than that of theirs.

The same threat exists today!!!

Without a doubt, there are forces in motion from numerous groups who are, or shortly will begin to lobby for the current regime’s successor!!! They will spend money, they will organize rallies, they will publish books, they may even establish underground militias. I won’t even be surprise to see a coup d'état attempt or two!!!!
This time, we may be given an opportunity to "correct" a mistake we made three decades ago (and we all have paid a dear price for that mistake). The “lesser of two evils” is not always the answer! If freedom is gained once more-and I wish for nothing more-we cannot relinquish this precious prize to another ill-intentioned faction. Doing so will be a sin far less forgivable than what this current regime has done to the people of Iran!!!

And to my readers, especially those outside of Iran, I “implore” you to talk, to demonstrate, to email, to blog, and to make your voices heard.
We have the freedom to do so without the fear of persecution or death. We have the means to support our brethren who are courageously risking their lives in the streets of Iran at this very moment.
We owe this to Neda and those like her who have sacrificed their lives for the freedom of others. Not as Iranians, American-Iranians or expatriates, but as people who value human rights!!!

Read the caption of Neda’s picture, and take it to heart. She is “dead” while we are still alive. The torch needs to be picked up and carried on. The window of opportunity is here and now. If we hesitate, if we falter, if we wait for someone else to pick up the torch, the flame will die with her!!!

Neda’s youthful life was cut short by a sniper’s bullet; but it has certainly not perished in vain. Her brothers and sisters around the world “will” finish what she ignited…

WE WILL NEVER FORGET!!!