It takes less than death to kill a man!

It is said over and over that when one faces her/his own mortality, she/he finds a new perspective on life… We read it in books, see it in movies, and hear it in songs…

Having had this experience firsthand myself (about 18 years ago, I became very ill and ended up in an ICU where my team of physicians-having completely lost all hope-gave me only 24 to 48 hours to live), I have to confess that prior to, during, or after my miraculous recovery, I had no epiphany, no new stance or position on life, nor did my outlook on life or how to live it changed one damn bit!…

Maybe I was far too shallow to recognize it… Or, maybe, I was far too damaged physically and mentally at the time that I was simply incapable of fully grasping what had just happened to me…

It wasn’t until the passing of my father after a long and arduous battle with cancer, that I began to question my own mortality and even more so my own existence!!!...

Don’t get me wrong, I am not at all afraid of dying… After all, death is as real and as inevitable as birth itself… So, there is absolutely no sense fighting or denying it… I am however, terrified of HOW I am going to die… And the irony here is that by chain-smoking, drinking obscene amounts of coffee and by not eating right, I am, in a very direct way, shaping (or at the very least increasing the chances) of my own demise in the most possible terrifying fashion!...

But this tendency to self destruct is another topic altogether; and perhaps I’ll write about it in the future…

Let’s get back to the journey than began with my father’s death…

As I saw his lifeless body lying in the mortuary… and as I kissed his cold and lifeless forehead for one last time, the line between life and death blurred…
As I sat in the car… Following the hearse that was carrying my father’s body to the crematory, with my brother driving and me sitting in the passenger seat, quietly crying… I knew right there and then that my life was about to change!…
I knew that everything that I had built around me, or was built for me (by my parent, teachers, peers, lovers, and the society as a whole) to keep me safe and secure was about to collapse… The walls that for decades had seemed impenetrable were now nothing but a façade made of cheap cardboard!...

So, as expected, I began the ritual of taking stock of my own life thus far…

I went to all the schools I was told I should attend…
I strived for, and received the grades and honors that I was expected and told to receive…
I had begun a career in the direction and in the manner which was expected of me…
I climbed the corporate ladder even faster than what was expected of me…
I had read the books I was told to read…
I had traveled to foreign lands and had visited most of the cities and the sites that I was told I should have visited (in the exact same manner that everyone else before me and after me visited them)…
I bought houses and decorated them the way others would find them elegant, beautiful and worthy of my status and ranking within the society…
Fast cars… Fast boats… Cool toys…
All in all, I had accumulated enough success and wealth to be the envy of many…

So, quite proudly, I asked myself: “Are you happy?”

Finding the answer took some time and a lot of soul searching… And I was astonished that I could not readily answer it with an emphatic “YES”!

Like almost everyone else whom I knew and looked up to, I had built a life based on a pre-determined “template”!

Take a moment… And examine this “template” theory for yourselves as it applies to your own lives… Look at the rules of engagement, protocols, norms, values, and the codes of conduct we abide by, apply and follow in almost every aspect of our lives every single moment of our existence… Friendship, Family, Work, School, Church, Children, Marriage, etc …

Everything and everything is based on some pre-determined and generally accepted “template”… And we, happily build our lives this way and live sound, secure and content within the walls that we create….

We do so, to be accepted and loved by others (rather than being labeled as an outcast, failure, oddball, etc.), to simply function and to survive within a society (after all, who gives and oddball a job, or who will let a crazy loser date their daughter or son?), and most importantly, we do so, because this conformity and achieving to match the design of the template perfectly makes us look and feel accomplished and strong, where in fact, we do so because we are weak and insecure!!!

SIDE NOTE: Now… Before you go off cursing me and labeling me as one who tries to be cool and hip by denouncing all that is holly, let me say two things:
1. These templates are useful and of some utility because they give us a common frame of reference, and allow us to relate to and to interact with each other from common perspectives, BUT, in my opinion, we have taken them too far and have become slaves to them.
2. Here, I am taking stock of MY life and am expressing MY thoughts and MY views… So these observations are neither correct nor incorrect, neither true nor false, they are, simply, how I think and what I believe to be true about ME…

Although this journey of self discovery began with my father’s death, it has taken many years for me to reach the point I am at today… And the journey is by far, not yet over… Perhaps, it will never be…

But, in my Father’s death I saw a simple truth: A man can die while he is still ALIVE!!!

And I, was such a man…

Are you happy? I asked myself over and over…
The answer…
NO!

I had everything anyone could ask for…

Why was it then that I was not HAPPY?
Was my desire too insatiable?

Was I greedily ravenous?
Or, was I awakening to a secret truth about life and happiness?

I still cannot answer these questions fully and with complete and absolute conclusively… As the storm within is still brewing… But what I have found out about myself and my life so far is that I was indeed unhappy!

I was unhappy because my heart was empty…
I was unhappy because in the pursuit of happiness I had created a "prison" for myself!!!…
I wanted to see the world as it really is, and not as we have been told it should be!!!…
I needed to allow myself the freedom to experience everything in life in its pure form and with high intensity (and no, get your mind out of the gutter, I don’t mean this as an excuse to justify sleeping around)…

The answers, I suppose, depend entirely on the view and the perspective of the observer… Recently, a person whom I hold very dear in my heart criticized me rather harshly; and among all the criticisms, the following stood out the most:

“….You see, you don't really appreciate the ones who love u dearly for who you really are.... you take advantage of their love and affection for you by thinking that they are always there no matter what... and in the process of doing that, hurting the ones who are close to you and love you unconditionally!... … YOU should find out what you really want…!!!”

Although I do not necessarily hold the entire criticism to be true, I do regretfully agree that in order for me to allow myself the freedom to step out of the conventional "templates", I do have to pay a rather sumptuous price!

What is it that we ALL really need and want?
Ultimately, we all want our hearts to be filled with love…
We want to love and we want to be loved…

What I struggle with now… Is the fact that if I find myself unhappy, I will not be capable of loving… And in order to pursue true happiness, I will have to step foot out of the bounds of certain “templates” that happen to be the foundations of other people’s reality and entire value system!!!!